is anything too hard or too wonderful for the Lord?

Every so often I read through some of my old blog posts. It reminds me of why I do this. Of the spiritual truths and revelations I have come across in my journey of faith. But it also assists in taking stock of my life. To me, it reads like an emotional and spiritual diary. Where I have come from, where I am now. Where I have backslided, where I have overcome.

Oh, I definitely have my favourites. Ironically, most of them, the hardest to write. Through the most challenging of times. 

There is decidedly a central theme running through most of my blog posts. I guess it is just the season I have been going through. I am hoping that this season is coming to an end. That this year, my blog posts will be a little less serious. A little more lighthearted. 

Less challenge and difficulty. More breakthrough and happiness.

But that doesn't mean that it should not be about faith. 

Life challenges test and try our faith. But they also extend and deepen it. It is where God's grace lifts us up, gives us the ability to endure, empowers us to overcome. 

And in happier times, we are filled with gratitude - looking back at where we have come from. In awe of God's faithfulness - that is so much more than we could have hoped or dared ask for. (Ephesians 3:20)

It makes me think of Abraham. For some reason I have had the father of our faith on my mind for months. I have been noticing how often he is mentioned throughout the Bible, especially in the new testament. This man must have been exceptional for him to be given that much exposure in the Word of God...

Abraham is such a powerful example of obedience and faithfulness to God in the face of incredible challenge, uncertainty and doubt. 

treasure in fragile jars of clay

I've heard that there are four external life events that are the most stressful, or traumatic, experiences that any human being will inevitably face in a lifetime. 

1. The loss or death of a loved one

2. Divorce or breakup of a long term relationship

3. Moving house (or country)

4. Changing jobs or careers

Obviously there are many other things that could be just as traumatic - although probably not experienced by everyone. Some even more so (such as a multitude of health factors, financial loss or poverty, injury or accident, violence or crime, death...) But for the sake of my argument, let's just stick to those four, for the moment.

Five years ago, I experienced three of the four. In the space of a year. Some, more than once. 

The failure of a seven year relationship set the wheels in motion. (Which to me, at the time, pretty much felt like someone dying). I moved three times, including country and continent. And back again. (Not counting a temporary move to my parents' house or the three friends whose couches and spare bedrooms I occupied temporarily on arrival in the UK). In the process I also changed jobs and started my own business.

To me, that had been the most difficult year of my life. In the aftermath - having tried dealing with it in my own way (and failing) - I was not coping too well and felt myself slipping into depression. 

Five years later, considering this past year, I am confident that this last one had been harder. A completely different set of circumstances. Not nearly as life changing - on the contrary the lack of change, to a large extent, has been the main issue - it has been incredibly challenging.

Not yet quite ready to share all that has happened (and not happened) this year, I must admit, I've been a bit of an emotional wreck. Having said that, I am - amazingly - dealing with it much better than I did five years ago.

I believe the major, crucial difference is faith.

Then - I went to church very infrequently. I didn't read my Bible or pray much. I had vague doubts about whether there really is a God or not. At the time, He just seemed like an abstract concept, very far removed from my life.

Now - having been on a spiritual journey for some time now, making a conscious effort to grow spiritually and experience my faith - it is just less daunting to deal with struggles and disappointment. Without letting it crush you. Less lonely. Even though it has been an emotional roller coaster, very trying at times - I am not depressed. 

all for Your glory, God

We don't always understand why "bad" or hard things happen to us. Why we have to go through setbacks. Disappointments. Challenging times.

I honestly don't.

Some of us just seem to have more than our fair share of these periods of difficulty thrown at us by life. I am definitely one of those people. Nothing seems to ever be straightforward. Or easy. Always a fight. Always a challenge.

I don't know if I make it more difficult than it needs to be... Unaccepting. Over analyzing. Offering excessive resistance. 

The question remains: Why does God allow it?

Struggling through an especially persistent phase of challenge, in my quest to determine it's purpose - I have come to a recent revelation: It is to show His glory.

Blessed | Matthew 5:4 from Moving Works on Vimeo.

it's all about faith

I haven't been writing for a while... The more time goes by, the easier it becomes not to. The less time I seem to have. The more excuses I find. And the easier it will be to stop altogether. 

I have come to realize that if I don't get back into it soon, that is exactly what will happen.

The truth is that I have really been struggling lately. Hitting an all time low. Refusing to let me out of its debilitating grip. Squeezing. Suffocating.

Ironically, just before it happened, I got several messages urging me to never stop doing this. Ever. So, somewhere at the back of my mind, I know that I still have to do it. I feel a sense of responsibility to keep going, because this is not just about me or for me anymore - as much as I'd like to argue otherwise. And I have learned that the hardest, most painful things to write, are usually what means the most to others.

This year - one that I was hoping would be the year of breakthrough for us - has really (no sugar coating) been an exceptionally rough one for me. A series of crushing disappointments. On multiple levels of my life. Seemingly the more I pray, trust, hope... beg. The worse it's become. Until I have come to a point where I am unable to do it anymore. Doubting my faith. Questioning my God.

To some degree, I have actually been afraid to write. Of what I might write. Catapulting from a spiritual high to an extreme low, is in itself a disappointing blow to me. 

I've come to a point where I don't want to go to church. Or do mentoring. Or pray. I don't want to talk about it anymore, because I am honestly sick to death of all the cliches: "God has something bigger, better planned for you. Everything will work out... in His time. There is a plan and a purpose with all of this"... I am tired of hearing how things are working out so perfectly for others - magically falling into place by some or other miracle. It all just seems so futile. Like some cruel, twisted joke. And even though I still read my Bible on most days, I find a disturbing feeling welling up inside of me. Silently, disdainfully scoffing at the message. Angry at God. Not believing a word. Because how do you believe when things just keep going from bad to worse?

I must say... I have been sufficiently chastised. From various angles. My husband. Friends. A sermon meant specifically for me. Because my attitude needs some serious revision. I need to see this as an opportunity to grow and learn. To quit feeling so damned sorry for myself. Making it all about me. Because it's not. 

In the end it's all about faith.

Granted - It is not always easy to have faith. Especially if you are trusting God for something that just does not seem to happen. And doesn't look like it is going to...

(Encouraging word by Priscilla Shirer - a mighty woman of God. Incredibly inspiring when I need a boost of faith)

rain down on me - part 2

The gravel farm roads are starting to resemble a riverbank. Streams of water running along its banks. Joining together in countless murky pools and puddles. Greedily snatching at sand, gravel, small pebbles and branches - carrying it along its course. Digging away at the surface. Eroding the exposed earth. 

Rain clouds are gathering. Full in expectation of its release. Bursting. The skies are dark and heavy with water. Fat drops drizzling from above. Slowly at first. Growing in its urgency. Gathering momentum, strengthening the assault... Finally, drenching the scene.

As I am walking along, taking all of this in - I think about a devotion I've read in this little book Come Away My Beloved by Frances Roberts, called "Rain". And I recall thinking that it is all about perspective. Winters and rain do not have to be a thing of hardship and suffering. It could be about blessings and abundance! About God's joy and provision.

The devotion starts with an urging to go and look "for the rain is coming" - proclaiming that the drought is over and the sound of rain is approaching. It says: "Yes, I will send showers of blessing upon the hearts of my waiting people; for before they call, I have prepared an answer, and while they are seeking Me, I shall come down upon them." 

God's Spirit is the Rain. He comes to revive and refresh. He comes to bring relief to the parched ground. To bring forth new life. To bring flowers to the desert.

Joel 2:23 NLT says: "Rejoice in the Lord your God! For the rain he sends demonstrates his faithfulness."

I haven't written here for a while. Partly because I have been really busy at work. Partly because I am at a place where I don't really know what to write anymore... Exhausted from repeated disappointments - taking everything out of me. Sucking me dry. The storm raging in my mind.

It is hard to come back from a place like that. Especially if it starts to consume your life. Overshadowing all else. As the Casting Crowns song so beautifully claims (all you can do, is to) Come to the Well.

I seem to find songs that, for some reason, I latch onto and then for a period of time, repeatedly listen to. Until I begin to hear the layers of meaning underneath the words. Until it sinks in and becomes my own. This is my current song. And it so beautifully relays the story of the Samaritan woman at the well in John, describing Jesus as the Living Water.

Jesus replied, “If you only knew the gift God has for you and who you are speaking to, you would ask me, and I would give you living water... those who drink the water I give will never be thirsty again. It becomes a fresh, bubbling spring within them, giving them eternal life.” (John 4:10, 14 NLT)

called by name - part 2

As I was laying in bed this morning, listening to the rain pouring down - reluctant to start my day. To get up out of my warm and comfortable bed, to face the cold and wet. I considered that I haven't been very active in writing here lately. I have been going through an odd phase. Feeling that I am stagnating. Neglected, abandoned, forgotten.

The weather has not been helping. It's been a long, cold and wet winter. I haven't been able to go out walking with the dogs much - leaving them frustrated, as well as me. It is where I find my inspiration. It grounds me, gives me energy, gathers my spirit... If I do get a chance to take them for a walk though, they are so excited to be out. Dragging me along enthusiastically. The only thing I can focus on is not falling on my face on the slippery, muddy farm roads. 

I have also been reading the 24/7 Chronological Bible, which effectively means that I have been reading the old testament all year. Although I do think it is important to read, I have been struggling through Chronicles, Kings, Isaiah, Jeremiah, Ezekiel... Which is overwhelmingly doom and gloom. Not easy reading. Not really lifting my spirits. I am starting to feel like the Israelites in their suffering. Punished, abandoned by God, banished from the promised land.

Recently, I have found myself - more than once - flipping through the remainder of my Bible to see when I will finally reach the new testament (as if it will somehow be sooner if I look more often). Considering that I may be backsliding into "the old testament view" of my religion. When people had to earn their salvation by the way they lived and behaved. Before Jesus came to save them from their misery.

But this morning I came upon one of the many gems in the old testament, in Ezekiel 34 (verses 11-24):

The prophet speaks about a God that will search, find and tend his sheep - Himself. A shepherd looking for his scattered flock. Rescuing them, feeding them, bringing them back home. Ending their suffering - not because they deserve it - but because He is a great and holy God (Ezekiel 36:22-24). Giving them good pastureland where they will lie down in peace, in pleasant places, feeding in lush pastures. Searching for the lost and strayed. Bandaging the injured and strengthening the weak. Giving them one shepherd to feed them and be a prince among them. Being their God.

It reminded me of this half written, almost forgotten post - that was meant to be part of called by name - part 1, but seemed to have a mind of its own, developing into a different message, with the same undercurrent. 

That we were each called by name.

called by name - part 1

Maybe it's just me, but for some reason every year as I am approaching yet another birthday, I find myself taking stock of my life. What I think I should have achieved in the year gone by. Where I should be in life. 

Comparing it to my reality. 

I suppose it is human nature to measure these things in material value. Compare yourself to others of similar age, background, education... To be honest - it can be extremely depressing. Demotivating. Disheartening.

So this year, as my birthday was drawing near towards the end of July, I found myself growing increasingly despondent. Feeling unhappy with my life. Another birthday - but still, in all appearances - in exactly the same place as the year before... And the year before...

Unfortunately for me - or maybe rather fortunately - God does not let you off the hook that easily. Sometimes He really has to make us uncomfortably aware of just how skewed we've had it.

And I have come to realize that this past year I have gained so much that can not be measured in material value. That is worth more than silver and gold (Psalm 119:72). Than money and luxury cars and expensive homes. 

During the week of my birthday I was blessed with such beautiful, inspiring scripture that spoke so directly to to me - right here in this place in my life - where I feel that I have fallen short of the world-that-we-live-in's standards. That it could only have been from a God who takes personal interest in us. In our heartaches and disappointments, our hopes and dreams. Even our feelings of insecurity and fear. 

A God who gives hope - when you feel that there is none. A God who cares enough to make you feel special on your birthday - in spite of your negative, ungrateful attitude. A God who loves you more than you would ever know.

the breakthrough

Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.

- Proverbs 4:23 NLT

Since we got married over two years ago (my husband much longer), we have been living in circumstances that - to me - are extremely challenging. Someone else might consider it a minor hurdle. But - to me - because of my personality, my upbringing, my background, the main source of my income, the very things that I value in life - it is one of the worst positions imaginable.

And - I want to state upfront - I have grown more spiritually than I ever have before - because of it. I am beyond grateful for this.

But. It has been an emotional roller-coaster. Very trying at times. Hard on my marriage.

At times I could live with it, in the hope that it would soon change. At times I have been at the very limit of my patience, no end anywhere in sight. At times - I have wanted to walk away. More than anything.

Each heart knows its own bitterness and no one else can fully share its joy.
- Proverbs 14:10 NLT

I am a firm believer that the worst experience an individual has had in their lifetime, is the worst that they know. Until something else comes along to dwarf the last known benchmark. 

Do not belittle it. Whatever it is.

Do not tell them that there is someone else worse off. You're not helping. On the contrary - you are just making them feel worse. Ungrateful. Believe me, they know this. There always is - deserved or not. They also know that there's always someone else much better off.

You can not know another person's hopes and dreams. You can not know their fears and challenges. Their experience. If you have not walked in their shoes.

to be thankful...

Some days I find it really hard to be thankful. Oh, to live with a spirit of thankfulness...

Us humans seem to be incapable of ever having enough. To be content with what we have. Where we are. Who we are.

We always want more. And more.

Even those of us who have more than most. Still we want more. More, Lord.

We are blinded by the things that we still need. The things that we still want. The things that we still want to do.

We so often forget to notice that what we do have. And appreciate it. Be thankful for it.

The Word says that we should make thankfulness our sacrifice to God. To keep the vows that we have made to Him. That if we do, we can call on Him when we are in trouble. That He will rescue us. Give us His glory.

Giving thanks is a sacrifice that truly honors Him. That if we keep to His path, He will reveal to us the salvation of God. (Psalm 50:14-15, 23)

You don't miss a thing

One night last week I went to bed with doubt in my heart. To me - it seems - that God is answering everyone's prayers but mine. And suddenly I am filled with doubt. Does God care about me? Why doesn't He change my circumstances when He can so obviously do it without any effort? Does He even know about me? About my life? My circumstances? Why doesn't He change it when I ask Him to?

And immediately I feel ashamed. Ashamed because I write this blog about faith and trust and belief. And still I doubt... And the enemy comes to kill and destroy. Whispering more words of doubt in my ear. Why do you even bother... You are just wasting your time. What difference does it make anyway?

As I was drifting off to sleep, I thought of people that have asked God for signs. And then more signs to prove that the first one was real. And I pray that He will give me a sign so that I will know that He will come through for me. That He will give me the breakthrough that I have been praying for - for so long. That He will increase my faith and trust and hope in Him.  

The next morning I woke up with words of a song You know me by Bethel Music (The Loft Sessions) playing in my mind: 

"And nothing is hidden from Your sight. Wherever I go, You find me. You know every detail of my life. And You are God. And You don't miss a thing. O, You know me..." 

"You memorize me." 

Doesn't that just say it all? It captures His great love for us.

And as the morning progresses, I get three messages, from three completely unrelated people. Saying that something that I wrote was meant for them. That it inspires them. That it somehow makes a difference to them. 

Whenever I have doubt in my heart about writing this blog, this is what happens - three messages from three individuals, communicated in three different ways. Surely - divine encouragement! God uses you (you know who you are) to encourage me too. Thank you! It means the world to me.

the desires of your heart

Some time ago, I started my day with the certainty that God does not give us hopes and dreams, just to make it unattainable for us. If he puts something on our hearts, he has meant to put it there. And it is something that we can dare to hope for. To trust for.

For some time now I have been walking around with this thought and thinking about what I actually want to write about it. Although I knew that there is something there, I was not quite sure what it is that I need to say on this subject... So I  decided to look up what scripture has to say about it.

This is what the Word of God says:

Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He will give you the desires and secret petitions of your heart.  (Psalm 37:4 AMP)

My soul, wait only upon God and silently submit to Him; for my hope and expectation are from Him. (Psalm 62:5 AMP) The Message says: Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him.

The eyes of all look expectantly to You and You give them their food in due season. You open Your hand and satisfy the desire of every living thing. (Psalms 145:15, 16 NKJV)

when we struggle with doubt

Doubt. A tiny bad seed that creeps in between the good, that grows and spreads. Consumes and destroys.

It is what makes us blow things up. Out if proportion. Unrealistically larger than life. It is what makes us worry and question and fear.

It is what made me wait two days before adding my last post. What made me question myself all over again for doing this. It is what makes me worry about the future and question God's timing. His promises. His presence.

I have been reading about Moses and the Israelites. And finding it excruciatingly frustrating. It is not my first attempt at trying to read about them - God's people. And I have given up on them more than once.

They got to experience miracle upon miracle, upon miracle firsthand. And still they doubted. A God that lead them out of slavery, poverty and captivity. A God that parted the seas and gave them manna out of heaven. A God that traveled in their midst by cloud and by fire.

God had to repeatedly tell them: "I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, to be your God: I am the Lord your God." Numbers 15:41 NKJV

That says something about our nature, how little faith we have.

wait on the Lord

I have been staring at the empty Home page for a while. What should I write? Now that I have set up the blog and made some small, insignificant changes here and there.

I guess I should start writing something now... I mean, that is what this is all about, right? Writing. Thoughts and ideas and hopes and dreams. Faith and promises and purpose and meaning. But also fears and worries. And things that scare us.

And I am a bit scared.

This morning I suddenly thought - Why am I doing this again? What will be the purpose of it? And, as undeniably human as I am, I can't help wondering what will other people think of this. Of me. What will my friends think? And people who don't know me?

Some people will definitely see me in a different light after this. Because of this. Better or worse. 

But that is just the risk I am going to have to take. To put myself out there. To take some time out of my day to write something here. Because I still feel the need to do it.

So here goes... My first attempt at blogging. At journaling: