treasure in fragile jars of clay

I've heard that there are four external life events that are the most stressful, or traumatic, experiences that any human being will inevitably face in a lifetime. 

1. The loss or death of a loved one

2. Divorce or breakup of a long term relationship

3. Moving house (or country)

4. Changing jobs or careers

Obviously there are many other things that could be just as traumatic - although probably not experienced by everyone. Some even more so (such as a multitude of health factors, financial loss or poverty, injury or accident, violence or crime, death...) But for the sake of my argument, let's just stick to those four, for the moment.

Five years ago, I experienced three of the four. In the space of a year. Some, more than once. 

The failure of a seven year relationship set the wheels in motion. (Which to me, at the time, pretty much felt like someone dying). I moved three times, including country and continent. And back again. (Not counting a temporary move to my parents' house or the three friends whose couches and spare bedrooms I occupied temporarily on arrival in the UK). In the process I also changed jobs and started my own business.

To me, that had been the most difficult year of my life. In the aftermath - having tried dealing with it in my own way (and failing) - I was not coping too well and felt myself slipping into depression. 

Five years later, considering this past year, I am confident that this last one had been harder. A completely different set of circumstances. Not nearly as life changing - on the contrary the lack of change, to a large extent, has been the main issue - it has been incredibly challenging.

Not yet quite ready to share all that has happened (and not happened) this year, I must admit, I've been a bit of an emotional wreck. Having said that, I am - amazingly - dealing with it much better than I did five years ago.

I believe the major, crucial difference is faith.

Then - I went to church very infrequently. I didn't read my Bible or pray much. I had vague doubts about whether there really is a God or not. At the time, He just seemed like an abstract concept, very far removed from my life.

Now - having been on a spiritual journey for some time now, making a conscious effort to grow spiritually and experience my faith - it is just less daunting to deal with struggles and disappointment. Without letting it crush you. Less lonely. Even though it has been an emotional roller coaster, very trying at times - I am not depressed. 

let the Lord be your light

Rudely awakened from a deep sleep by our border collie, Jasper. Startled by his black and white face, illuminated by the flash of light in the bedroom - suddenly looming over my own in the darkness. He sat perched on the narrow ledge of bed, between me and the edge, almost on my face! Panting, nearly hyperventilating. Eyes bulging in fear of the lightning and thunder raging outside.

It is the second time in three days that this has happened. The older he gets, the more terrified he becomes of the storm outside.

Whispering words of reassurance, hugging him tightly to my body, in the hope of calming Him down. But the more I try to console him - apparently completely unaware of my attempts - he seems to be growing ever more frantic. Restlessly moving about the bed and over me. All hope of sleep abandoned. 

Until I manage to hold him down on his side, in my arms. Soothing. Stroking. He hesitantly gives in. Sighs and lays down his head. Calmed somewhat.

I find myself thinking that sometimes I must make God feel this way.  

He knows what is good for me. He planned my life long in advance. He knows what is coming. And what is not.
(Psalm 138:16)

But still - I struggle ahead with my own plans, frantically searching. Trying to make things fit. To calm my mind, my soul. And the more He tries to draw me close, to bring me near, to give me rest... The more I struggle and strain! Fighting for control. 

And I find the Spirit urging me to read the story about the lost sheep again. (Luke 15:3-7)

I have read it countless times. I know it by heart. But still the gentle nudge...

countless wonders

Creation. God's amazing masterpiece. What we see around us every day.

It is something I have been meaning to write about for some time. But it is such an awe inspiring, beautifully overwhelming thing. That I have found it hard to put the right words to it. Maybe because there are none. Human words can not grasp it.

My favourite time of day is just before the sun sets. Everything is bathed in hues of yellow and gold. Making the world appear soft and friendly. A happy place.

For years I didn't spend much time outdoors. I have an office job. And I am not sporty. So by default I don't get outside much. Since I have started walking our dogs however, I spend time in the same little part of nature on most days.

The thing that never ceases to amaze me is how different that little bit of world is from one day to the next. It changes. Constantly. Not one day is the same.

The backdrop is painted in different colours, with strokes of cloud and sky. Some days have flawlessly blue skies with sunshine enhancing the colour of every little detail. Other days are gloomy and dark, seeped in shades of gray, rain drenching the earth with its goodness.

"Both day and night belong to you; you made the starlight and the sun. You set the boundaries of the earth, and made both summer and winter." (Psalm 74:16-17 NLT)

Weather. Seasons. Birds. Animals. Even my state of mind. It all influences what that part of nature looks like. Sounds like. Feels like. And it is different. Every day.

And that is just looking from one individual's perspective, at one part of the day, in one tiny part of the world - as we know it. 

On one particular day, it is different from one hour to the next. Imagine the countless variations every day, at every hour, in every part of creation. Each day, each hour is a masterpiece. Created for our pleasure. And each of us experience it in our own unique way.

"The heavens are Yours, and the earth is Yours; everything in the world is Yours - You created it all. You created north and south." (Psalm 89:11-12 NLT)

in the shadow of Your wings

I haven't written here for awhile. Mostly because I was fortunate enough to take some much needed time out and travel to Europe for two weeks. But also, even if I did have time to write during the last week of our trip, I was feeling somewhat at a loss on what to write about. Blank.

Sitting on the flight back to Cape Town, I was considering my circumstances at home, feeling myself slip back into despair about the current state of the life I was returning to. Coming to the realization of just how badly I had needed to get away and just forget about everything. Even if it was just for a little while. But sadly (I have to confess), at the same time, also how unashamedly I had neglected my quiet time with God over the past two weeks. I had even taken a break from that!

All things considered - most probably my lack of quiet time goes a long way in explaining my state of mind at the time.

Having just returned from our trip, I was feeling a bit out of sorts. Wondering how I was going to get back into the spiritual routine I had worked so hard to establish. And so easily let slip. Not because God expects it of me, but because I really do need it. Like breathing.

And so, on my first morning back home, I open my Bible to Psalm 36 (verse 5-9):

Your unfailing love, O Lord, is as vast as the heavens; your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds. Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains, your justice like the ocean depths. You care for people and animals alike, O Lord. How precious is your unfailing love, O God! All humanity finds shelter in the shadow of your wings. You feed them from the abundance of your own house, letting them drink from your river of delights. For you are the fountain of life, the light by which we see.

Even though I had planned to catch up on my shamefully behind daily Bible reading plan, I got stuck right away on this Psalm. And I recall having read words by Priscilla Shirer - something to this extent: When you feel the Word of God leap out of the page and stun you, stop right there. Don't rush ahead with your Bible reading. Because it is the living Word of God at work. It is not some random coincidence. It is God Himself speaking to you through His Word.

Psalm 36 says that God's love for us is unfailing. It is as vast as the heavens. The greatness and extent of God's love for us is so indescribable that David used our only known reference. Creation. The heavens and the clouds. And even that is beyond human grasp.

love thy neighbor

Human nature is a fickle thing. It is unreliable. Inconsistent. Deceptive.

The world teaches us to be self centered. Self involved. Selfish. It is all about me. What I want. What I need. My life.

And I am as guilty as anyone.

We are so wrapped up in our own lives. We forget to ask how someone else is doing. To give an encouraging word. To be a shoulder to lean on. To be available.

Instead, we pick up the phone in feigned concern. To talk about their troubles. Instead of reaching out. We gleefully sympathize with their misfortune, while having our nails done. Instead of reaching out. We can't wait to repeat a story of failure, passionately elaborating on the details. Often drawing our own conclusions. Adding a little extra spice to the gossip. Instead of reaching out. 

Oh, have you heard about so and so....?

Some of us even thrive on that. We would much rather discuss someone behind their backs than trying to be there for them. Because that actually requires effort and time and investment.

We fail to notice when those that are meant to be closest to us are hurting or going through a tough time. Because we are so focused on ourselves. We manage to forget about our closest friends for days or weeks or months on end. Because we are so busy with our own lives.

So, we put on a brave face and pretend that nothing is wrong. We create a front for the world. Carefully constructing a smooth exterior. Glossing over anything that might expose the cracks below the surface. Because God forbid that we should share or open up. God forbid that our vulnerabilities and hurts should be exposed for everyone to see. That anyone should find out. That the world should know our realities. Our shame.

Humanity is a fragile thing. And our hearts hang in the balance.