I wrote this post more than a week ago, but was reluctant to publish it. To let it go out into the world. Because it is so very personal. Because it was written from a place of deep hurt and brokenness. From a place of entitlement. A certainty that I deserved more than this life I have been given. It exposes my vulnerability, my insecurities, my fear.
Today I realized that in writing this, was a turning point for me. I came to the realization that God has been making some monumental shifts in my mind, in my heart, in my spirit. I have come so amazingly far in such an incredibly short space of time. And I continue to grow spiritually every day. Even though materially I am not doing so well, my soul has never been in better shape. So He must be working in me. Because I used to be a glass-half-empty kind of person. Now I am leaning towards glass-brimming-over. Now I choose to be optimistic. Learning to see God as my Source. My Provider. And I know that I will be more than just okay.
If I am one thing, it is that I am hard on myself.
When I do something, I must give 110% and be the best at doing it, or it won't be good enough. I set myself up to fail, because I can not possibly meet the standards that I set for myself. No one can.
And still, I am upset when I don't measure up.
I have been confronted with some harsh realities about myself recently. And it is going to be really hard to put it out there. Because it is so incredibly personal. And once I have it there - out in the open, in black and white - I can never go back.
As a child I was really shy and introverted. I found it very hard to make friends. This is where it started. The idea that I am not good enough. A whisper that is never far off.
Years down the line, I met a handsome young man at a friend's 21st birthday party. And by some fluke, he was interested in me! But during the course of our relationship, I felt like a complete misfit in his circle of polished, social climber friends - from affluent, influential families; with their pretty, manicured girlfriends. He constantly told me that I was the problem. I had to try harder.
So I tried to change myself. Because if I could just be a little prettier. If I could just loose that 10 kg. If I could just be a little less socially awkward. More exciting. More spontaneous. Maybe they would like me a little better...
Then, after a relationship of more than 7 years, after we have been talking about getting engaged for quite some time - he told me that he was leaving me. In his exact words - that I was not sporty or adventurous or spontaneous enough.
And I absorbed these lies and made it a part of "the truth" about myself.
So I set off alone - like the prodigal son - to a faraway country. To find a better life. To prove just how adventurous and spontaneous I could be. Just to come back after a few short months with my head hanging. Having to admit that I had failed, that I couldn't cope. To come and pick up the pieces of my broken life.
For over a year he had allowed me to believe that I was the problem. That I was not good enough. Until one of his friends finally had the courage to tell me the truth. That he had (in reality) left me for someone else. That he had (in all probability) been cheating on me for years. That he had (presumably) been planning to leave me long before. But just couldn't find the right time. That everyone knew about this. But me.
Not only was I not good enough. I was also very easily replaceable.
Betrayal like that hurts. On a level that you can not explain to someone who has never experienced it.
Fast-forward some more years down the line and I am at another crossroads in my life. At a place where my life is everything but what I had dreamed it would be. Where my circumstances are all but ideal. Where I am spending most of my time and energy on two businesses. Without seeing the return. One, that is on the verge of collapse. And another, that had been shaky from the start. I am struggling to make ends meet. And living in a house that is as dilapidated as my life.
So at a point in my life where everything else have failed, I turned to God. And some days I am high on faith. And other days I just feel like I have the world on my shoulders. Like a complete and utter failure. Like a fraud.
Because when you write a blog about faith, you had better be a good Christian all the time. You have to be rock solid in your faith all the time, believing above all else that God is finally going to give you that breakthrough that you've been praying for. You had better be a living testimony to the things you write. Always strong in faith. And trust. And belief.
But what I am forgetting is that I am only human. That it is a process. And sometimes we backslide. I am forgetting that it shouldn't be about me or what I am doing. But about Jesus and what He already did for me.
So these are the lies that I have been believing:
- That I have not achieved enough in this life. That I don't have enough in this world. Therefore I am not good enough.
- That I am not a good enough Christian, - wife, - daughter, - sister, - friend, - business woman. Therefore I am a failure.
- That I must have done something to deserve this. Therefore I don't deserve any better.
- That I have to change myself, that I have to become better, that I have to become more - through spending more time in the Word, through reading more books about faith, through listening more gospel music, through being hard on myself because I am not doing it well enough... So that I will become more deserving of His grace.
But these are all lies.
And I believe beyond any doubt that I was lead to read the book Unmerited Favor by Joseph Prince right now in my life. Sometimes head knowledge is just not enough and you need that something to make it click for you. This book did that for me.
Today I read the chapter called Your right to God's Unmerited Favor. This chapter discusses how we were made righteous by Jesus's sacrifice for us on the cross. That we can only receive His righteousness through His unmerited favor/undeserved grace (in other words, we don't deserve it). So we either depend on Jesus, believing that we are made righteous because of Him. Or we depend on our own works (and therefore ourselves) to try and deserve/earn His righteousness.
But if it is by grace (His unmerited favor and graciousness), it is no longer conditioned on works or anything men have done. Otherwise, grace would no longer be grace (it would be meaningless). Romans 11:6 AMP
And today I realized that I have been trying to become deserving through what I have been doing. Trying too hard. Through my actions and my behavior. And failing miserably. Because that has never been an option. We can not earn God's grace. It is given to us through faith - and faith only. So I have in fact, been depending on myself. Not on God.
Even though I do have many shortcomings and I am not always the person that I want to be or am trying to become. Even though that voice of accusation is glaringly pointing out what I did or didn't do or what I said or haven't said.
I am covered by God's righteousness. By His grace. And He is deserving. And He is good enough.
I am covered by God's righteousness. By His grace. And He is deserving. And He is good enough.
And that makes me righteous. It makes me good enough.
Therefore I can expect good things to happen to me. I can "believe God for big things and trust Him that my prayers will be answered."
This I can not say in any better words, so in the words of Joseph Prince (Unmerited Favor):
"The grace of God is the unearned, undeserved and unmerited favor of God. When God answers you in your most undeserving moment, that is grace. That is His amazing, unmerited favor! At your lowest point, your darkest hour, His light shines through for you and you become a recipient of His unmerited favor..."
"When the voice of disqualification comes to remind you of all the areas that you have fallen short in, that's the time to turn to Jesus and hear His voice, which qualifies you. That is the true fight of faith! The fight of faith is to fight to believe that you are made righteous by faith and not by works."
"A righteousness that comes from faith in Jesus Christ
- is built upon the Rock of all ages - Jesus Christ
- gives you confidence all the time to access His unmerited favor, even when you feel that you are greatly undeserving."
Ephesians
3:19-20 - Amplified Bible
(AMP)
19 [That you may really come] to know
[practically, through experience for yourselves] the love of Christ, which
far surpasses mere knowledge [without experience]; that you may be filled
[through all your being] unto all the fullness of God [may have the richest
measure of the divine Presence, and become a body wholly filled and
flooded with God Himself]!
20 Now to Him Who, by (in consequence of) the
[action of His] power that is at work within us, is able to [carry out His
purpose and] do super-abundantly, far over and above all
that we [dare] ask or think [infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires,
thoughts, hopes, or dreams]—
