called by name - part 1

Maybe it's just me, but for some reason every year as I am approaching yet another birthday, I find myself taking stock of my life. What I think I should have achieved in the year gone by. Where I should be in life. 

Comparing it to my reality. 

I suppose it is human nature to measure these things in material value. Compare yourself to others of similar age, background, education... To be honest - it can be extremely depressing. Demotivating. Disheartening.

So this year, as my birthday was drawing near towards the end of July, I found myself growing increasingly despondent. Feeling unhappy with my life. Another birthday - but still, in all appearances - in exactly the same place as the year before... And the year before...

Unfortunately for me - or maybe rather fortunately - God does not let you off the hook that easily. Sometimes He really has to make us uncomfortably aware of just how skewed we've had it.

And I have come to realize that this past year I have gained so much that can not be measured in material value. That is worth more than silver and gold (Psalm 119:72). Than money and luxury cars and expensive homes. 

During the week of my birthday I was blessed with such beautiful, inspiring scripture that spoke so directly to to me - right here in this place in my life - where I feel that I have fallen short of the world-that-we-live-in's standards. That it could only have been from a God who takes personal interest in us. In our heartaches and disappointments, our hopes and dreams. Even our feelings of insecurity and fear. 

A God who gives hope - when you feel that there is none. A God who cares enough to make you feel special on your birthday - in spite of your negative, ungrateful attitude. A God who loves you more than you would ever know.

undeserved grace

I wrote this post more than a week ago, but was reluctant to publish it. To let it go out into the world. Because it is so very personal. Because it was written from a place of deep hurt and brokenness. From a place of entitlement. A certainty that I deserved more than this life I have been given. It exposes my vulnerability, my insecurities, my fear.

Today I realized that in writing this, was a turning point for me. I came to the realization that God has been making some monumental shifts in my mind, in my heart, in my spirit. I have come so amazingly far in such an incredibly short space of time. And I continue to grow spiritually every day. Even though materially I am not doing so well, my soul has never been in better shape. So He must be working in me. Because I used to be a glass-half-empty kind of person. Now I am leaning towards glass-brimming-over. Now I choose to be optimistic. Learning to see God as my Source. My Provider. And I know that I will be more than just okay.      

If I am one thing, it is that I am hard on myself.

When I do something, I must give 110% and be the best at doing it, or it won't be good enough. I set myself up to fail, because I can not possibly meet the standards that I set for myself. No one can.

And still, I am upset when I don't measure up.

I have been confronted with some harsh realities about myself recently. And it is going to be really hard to put it out there. Because it is so incredibly personal. And once I have it there - out in the open, in black and white - I can never go back.

battlefield of the mind - part 2

Earlier this week I was walking around with a heavy sinking sensation in the pit of my stomach. One that was becoming progressively worse. It is that ominous feeling of impending dread - the expectation that something horrible is about to happen.

It spreads like a virus from the core of your being. To your mind. To your heart. And your soul. It corrupts your thoughts and your actions. It clouds your judgement.

And no matter how hard you try to shake the feeling, regardless of your best intentions to ignore it, to negotiate it away or rationalise the complete uselessness of it - it just keeps getting worse. Stealing your peace. Taking your joy.

And as I watch the world outside turning from black to grey (after my morning Bible study), I am browsing my Facebook newsfeed. A post by Joyce Meyer Ministries catches my eye - one that I can not for the life of me seem to find again...

But it goes something like this: satan attacks when we are at our weakest. When we are vulnerable and scared. He makes you wake in the middle of the night - in a panic about things that you can do absolutely nothing about right then. Things that seem so much worse in the dark of night. And a little less scary when daylight comes. But you suddenly develop an overwhelming urge to resolve the worries of the world in the darkest hours of the night. When you need the sleep that refreshes and restores.