is anything too hard or too wonderful for the Lord?

Every so often I read through some of my old blog posts. It reminds me of why I do this. Of the spiritual truths and revelations I have come across in my journey of faith. But it also assists in taking stock of my life. To me, it reads like an emotional and spiritual diary. Where I have come from, where I am now. Where I have backslided, where I have overcome.

Oh, I definitely have my favourites. Ironically, most of them, the hardest to write. Through the most challenging of times. 

There is decidedly a central theme running through most of my blog posts. I guess it is just the season I have been going through. I am hoping that this season is coming to an end. That this year, my blog posts will be a little less serious. A little more lighthearted. 

Less challenge and difficulty. More breakthrough and happiness.

But that doesn't mean that it should not be about faith. 

Life challenges test and try our faith. But they also extend and deepen it. It is where God's grace lifts us up, gives us the ability to endure, empowers us to overcome. 

And in happier times, we are filled with gratitude - looking back at where we have come from. In awe of God's faithfulness - that is so much more than we could have hoped or dared ask for. (Ephesians 3:20)

It makes me think of Abraham. For some reason I have had the father of our faith on my mind for months. I have been noticing how often he is mentioned throughout the Bible, especially in the new testament. This man must have been exceptional for him to be given that much exposure in the Word of God...

Abraham is such a powerful example of obedience and faithfulness to God in the face of incredible challenge, uncertainty and doubt. 

a new beginning

And so it is a new year...

A new beginning. A fresh start.

It is remarkable how - even though nothing really changes in the transition from December 31st to January 1st - we somehow feel refreshed. As if we have been given a new lease on life. We suddenly have new goals (for the same things), new energy (to tackle the same problems), new hope (for positive change in the same circumstances). We wait in hopeful anticipation of what the new year may bring.

When we have had a particularly rough year - like 2013 has been for many - we are especially eager to wave farewell to the old and expectantly welcome the new.

Even though I have just finished the new testament (and my NLT chronological Bible), I've decided to also start the new year with the new testament (this year taking on the Amplified Bible). After all, that is exactly what it represents: a new beginning, a fresh start. New life.

The very first chapter in the new testament (Matthew 1), describes the birth of Jesus - a promise fulfilled by God, representing the new covenant with His people. Offering a new beginning, a fresh start. Offering a new life to those who, unlike Herod, would accept Him as their Savior - the very meaning of His name (Jesus), also called Emmanuel - 

"God with us"

She will bear a Son, and you shall call His name Jesus [the Greek form of the Hebrew Joshua, which means Savior], for He will save His people from their sins [that is, prevent them from failing and missing the true end and scope of life, which is God]. All this took place that it might be fulfilled which the Lord had spoken through the prophet, "Behold, the virgin shall become pregnant and give birth to a Son, and they shall call His name Emmanuel–which, when translated, means, God with us." [Isa. 7:14.] (Matthew 1:21-23 AMP)

I would like to start this year having God-with-me. I want to walk it with my Savior, so that I will not miss God - the purpose of life.

Matthew fastforwards 30 odd years to the scene where Jesus is baptized in the Jordan by John the Baptist and the Spirit of God descends on Him. 

I have never noticed this before... In the last verse of Matthew 3, God proclaims His love for Jesus. But in the very next verse starting off Matthew 4, Jesus - led by the Spirit - is tested and tried by satan. Even though He is God's Beloved Son, in Whom He delights...

And behold, a voice from heaven said, This is My Son, My Beloved, in Whom I delight! [Ps. 2:7; Isa. 42:1.] (Matthew 3:17 AMP) THEN JESUS was led (guided) by the [Holy] Spirit into the wilderness (desert) to be tempted (tested and tried) by the devil. (Matthew 4:1 AMP)

Priscilla Shirer (One in a million: journey to your promised land)

treasure in fragile jars of clay

I've heard that there are four external life events that are the most stressful, or traumatic, experiences that any human being will inevitably face in a lifetime. 

1. The loss or death of a loved one

2. Divorce or breakup of a long term relationship

3. Moving house (or country)

4. Changing jobs or careers

Obviously there are many other things that could be just as traumatic - although probably not experienced by everyone. Some even more so (such as a multitude of health factors, financial loss or poverty, injury or accident, violence or crime, death...) But for the sake of my argument, let's just stick to those four, for the moment.

Five years ago, I experienced three of the four. In the space of a year. Some, more than once. 

The failure of a seven year relationship set the wheels in motion. (Which to me, at the time, pretty much felt like someone dying). I moved three times, including country and continent. And back again. (Not counting a temporary move to my parents' house or the three friends whose couches and spare bedrooms I occupied temporarily on arrival in the UK). In the process I also changed jobs and started my own business.

To me, that had been the most difficult year of my life. In the aftermath - having tried dealing with it in my own way (and failing) - I was not coping too well and felt myself slipping into depression. 

Five years later, considering this past year, I am confident that this last one had been harder. A completely different set of circumstances. Not nearly as life changing - on the contrary the lack of change, to a large extent, has been the main issue - it has been incredibly challenging.

Not yet quite ready to share all that has happened (and not happened) this year, I must admit, I've been a bit of an emotional wreck. Having said that, I am - amazingly - dealing with it much better than I did five years ago.

I believe the major, crucial difference is faith.

Then - I went to church very infrequently. I didn't read my Bible or pray much. I had vague doubts about whether there really is a God or not. At the time, He just seemed like an abstract concept, very far removed from my life.

Now - having been on a spiritual journey for some time now, making a conscious effort to grow spiritually and experience my faith - it is just less daunting to deal with struggles and disappointment. Without letting it crush you. Less lonely. Even though it has been an emotional roller coaster, very trying at times - I am not depressed. 

all for Your glory, God

We don't always understand why "bad" or hard things happen to us. Why we have to go through setbacks. Disappointments. Challenging times.

I honestly don't.

Some of us just seem to have more than our fair share of these periods of difficulty thrown at us by life. I am definitely one of those people. Nothing seems to ever be straightforward. Or easy. Always a fight. Always a challenge.

I don't know if I make it more difficult than it needs to be... Unaccepting. Over analyzing. Offering excessive resistance. 

The question remains: Why does God allow it?

Struggling through an especially persistent phase of challenge, in my quest to determine it's purpose - I have come to a recent revelation: It is to show His glory.

Blessed | Matthew 5:4 from Moving Works on Vimeo.

it's all about faith

I haven't been writing for a while... The more time goes by, the easier it becomes not to. The less time I seem to have. The more excuses I find. And the easier it will be to stop altogether. 

I have come to realize that if I don't get back into it soon, that is exactly what will happen.

The truth is that I have really been struggling lately. Hitting an all time low. Refusing to let me out of its debilitating grip. Squeezing. Suffocating.

Ironically, just before it happened, I got several messages urging me to never stop doing this. Ever. So, somewhere at the back of my mind, I know that I still have to do it. I feel a sense of responsibility to keep going, because this is not just about me or for me anymore - as much as I'd like to argue otherwise. And I have learned that the hardest, most painful things to write, are usually what means the most to others.

This year - one that I was hoping would be the year of breakthrough for us - has really (no sugar coating) been an exceptionally rough one for me. A series of crushing disappointments. On multiple levels of my life. Seemingly the more I pray, trust, hope... beg. The worse it's become. Until I have come to a point where I am unable to do it anymore. Doubting my faith. Questioning my God.

To some degree, I have actually been afraid to write. Of what I might write. Catapulting from a spiritual high to an extreme low, is in itself a disappointing blow to me. 

I've come to a point where I don't want to go to church. Or do mentoring. Or pray. I don't want to talk about it anymore, because I am honestly sick to death of all the cliches: "God has something bigger, better planned for you. Everything will work out... in His time. There is a plan and a purpose with all of this"... I am tired of hearing how things are working out so perfectly for others - magically falling into place by some or other miracle. It all just seems so futile. Like some cruel, twisted joke. And even though I still read my Bible on most days, I find a disturbing feeling welling up inside of me. Silently, disdainfully scoffing at the message. Angry at God. Not believing a word. Because how do you believe when things just keep going from bad to worse?

I must say... I have been sufficiently chastised. From various angles. My husband. Friends. A sermon meant specifically for me. Because my attitude needs some serious revision. I need to see this as an opportunity to grow and learn. To quit feeling so damned sorry for myself. Making it all about me. Because it's not. 

In the end it's all about faith.

Granted - It is not always easy to have faith. Especially if you are trusting God for something that just does not seem to happen. And doesn't look like it is going to...

(Encouraging word by Priscilla Shirer - a mighty woman of God. Incredibly inspiring when I need a boost of faith)

the breakthrough

Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.

- Proverbs 4:23 NLT

Since we got married over two years ago (my husband much longer), we have been living in circumstances that - to me - are extremely challenging. Someone else might consider it a minor hurdle. But - to me - because of my personality, my upbringing, my background, the main source of my income, the very things that I value in life - it is one of the worst positions imaginable.

And - I want to state upfront - I have grown more spiritually than I ever have before - because of it. I am beyond grateful for this.

But. It has been an emotional roller-coaster. Very trying at times. Hard on my marriage.

At times I could live with it, in the hope that it would soon change. At times I have been at the very limit of my patience, no end anywhere in sight. At times - I have wanted to walk away. More than anything.

Each heart knows its own bitterness and no one else can fully share its joy.
- Proverbs 14:10 NLT

I am a firm believer that the worst experience an individual has had in their lifetime, is the worst that they know. Until something else comes along to dwarf the last known benchmark. 

Do not belittle it. Whatever it is.

Do not tell them that there is someone else worse off. You're not helping. On the contrary - you are just making them feel worse. Ungrateful. Believe me, they know this. There always is - deserved or not. They also know that there's always someone else much better off.

You can not know another person's hopes and dreams. You can not know their fears and challenges. Their experience. If you have not walked in their shoes.

You don't miss a thing

One night last week I went to bed with doubt in my heart. To me - it seems - that God is answering everyone's prayers but mine. And suddenly I am filled with doubt. Does God care about me? Why doesn't He change my circumstances when He can so obviously do it without any effort? Does He even know about me? About my life? My circumstances? Why doesn't He change it when I ask Him to?

And immediately I feel ashamed. Ashamed because I write this blog about faith and trust and belief. And still I doubt... And the enemy comes to kill and destroy. Whispering more words of doubt in my ear. Why do you even bother... You are just wasting your time. What difference does it make anyway?

As I was drifting off to sleep, I thought of people that have asked God for signs. And then more signs to prove that the first one was real. And I pray that He will give me a sign so that I will know that He will come through for me. That He will give me the breakthrough that I have been praying for - for so long. That He will increase my faith and trust and hope in Him.  

The next morning I woke up with words of a song You know me by Bethel Music (The Loft Sessions) playing in my mind: 

"And nothing is hidden from Your sight. Wherever I go, You find me. You know every detail of my life. And You are God. And You don't miss a thing. O, You know me..." 

"You memorize me." 

Doesn't that just say it all? It captures His great love for us.

And as the morning progresses, I get three messages, from three completely unrelated people. Saying that something that I wrote was meant for them. That it inspires them. That it somehow makes a difference to them. 

Whenever I have doubt in my heart about writing this blog, this is what happens - three messages from three individuals, communicated in three different ways. Surely - divine encouragement! God uses you (you know who you are) to encourage me too. Thank you! It means the world to me.

undeserved grace

I wrote this post more than a week ago, but was reluctant to publish it. To let it go out into the world. Because it is so very personal. Because it was written from a place of deep hurt and brokenness. From a place of entitlement. A certainty that I deserved more than this life I have been given. It exposes my vulnerability, my insecurities, my fear.

Today I realized that in writing this, was a turning point for me. I came to the realization that God has been making some monumental shifts in my mind, in my heart, in my spirit. I have come so amazingly far in such an incredibly short space of time. And I continue to grow spiritually every day. Even though materially I am not doing so well, my soul has never been in better shape. So He must be working in me. Because I used to be a glass-half-empty kind of person. Now I am leaning towards glass-brimming-over. Now I choose to be optimistic. Learning to see God as my Source. My Provider. And I know that I will be more than just okay.      

If I am one thing, it is that I am hard on myself.

When I do something, I must give 110% and be the best at doing it, or it won't be good enough. I set myself up to fail, because I can not possibly meet the standards that I set for myself. No one can.

And still, I am upset when I don't measure up.

I have been confronted with some harsh realities about myself recently. And it is going to be really hard to put it out there. Because it is so incredibly personal. And once I have it there - out in the open, in black and white - I can never go back.

a journey of faith

I used to think that being a Christian meant acknowledging it. Going to church once in a while, reading the Bible when there was time (which wasn't all that often) and praying to God if I needed something.

I suppose in the very basic sense, it could be. During the Old Testament times, I would probably have been in trouble! But now, after Christ, all we have to do is believe.

If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is by believing in your heart that you are made right with God, and it is by confessing with your mouth that you are saved. For everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved. Romans 10:9-10, 13 NLT

But it is so much more than that.

It is a lifestyle. A life changing, mind altering one. 

It is also a journey. A process. One that, once started, is practically impossible to stop.

And I am convinced and sure of this very thing, that He Who began a good work in you will continue until the day of Jesus Christ right up to the time of His return, developing that good work and perfecting and bringing it to full completion in you. Philippians 1:6 AMP

Your grace is enough

Truth be told, I didn't really think about the name of this blog for very long. It was a spur-of-the-moment decision. And it seemed right.

Grace...

This word has already come up so many times this year. It seems to be my word for where I am in my life right now. I have read it online, in books and in the Bible. I have heard it in so many places. I have seen it and experienced it.

I need it. Lots of it!

And I am expecting it. God's grace.