A life of Purpose in a changed world.

By Marti-Mari Kellerman

We are living in a changed world.

In the space of a short few weeks the virus, that most of us have only heard about vaguely from other parts of the world, now the buzz word on everybody’s lips. There is barely a conversation where it is not mentioned. This plague, like some medieval horror from our worst nightmares, has spread like a wild fire. Consuming the entire world in its wake. Changing our realities. Instantaneously. Shaking the very core of our existence.

Human beings are strange creatures. Panic buying, stock piling and mass hysteria - suddenly at the order of the day. The air is thick with fear, anxiety and speculation. Words like "social distancing" and “self isolation" suddenly part of our daily vocabulary. We have been preparing for "lock-down". Yet we have no idea what it is that needs to be done. A concept so foreign, the very word making us scramble in panic. One only a rare few has ever had to fathom. Yet it now has the entire world in its grip.

This virus is showcasing the very worst of humanity. Selfishness. Greed. Paranoia. Fear. Ignorance.

And at the same time, the very best. We are seeing acts of extreme selflessness. Generosity. Unity. Hope. Faith.

It is 4:00 am. My 2,5 year old scrambles into bed beside me. She snuggles up close and falls asleep immediately. I don’t sleep well with them in my space. But today I don’t take her back to her own bed right away. Her even breathing calms my anxious thoughts. That same breathing terrifying me all at once...

I am terrified of what all of this means. Of the isolation we have to endure. Of being kept away from family and friends amidst this frightful time. The stress, uncertainty and frustration. Of being self-employed at a time like this. Of emotional distress, financial loss and economic failure. Of inadequate medical facilities, care, supplies and staff. Of a world that will be unrecognizable at the end of this. Of possibly not being there for the end of it. Or having to sacrifice a loved one to its horror.

Yet I am so very grateful. For loved ones: family and friends, even though we are apart. For my family that is with me, where I can hold them close. For my health and that of my children. For their warm little bodies in my arms. For a home filled with their love and laughter (and often crying and fighting). Of tight hugs and sloppy kisses. For the support of my spiritual and fitness families. For a home with space and all the amenities I could possibly need at a time like this. For a little bit of outdoor space and a glimpse of nature out there, blissfully unaware of how much (in the blink of an eye) it has all changed. For being able to see the sunrise, mountains and vineyards from my window. For the financial capacity to be prepared to some degree, even if means going into debt. For food on the table. For shelter and security. For being so much more fortunate than so many others out there, especially at a time like this. Where mere weeks ago it didn’t possibly seem enough. When I thought I had the world on my shoulders...

And my heart bleeds for those who are not as lucky. For the homeless and unemployed. For those who live in the townships and squatter camps. On top of each other, with no personal space. For those who live hand to mouth. And cannot afford to stay home without an income. For people who will not have food on the table or a safe place to live. For the children of the less advantaged. For those who will be completely alone or without support. For people in abusive, destructive relationships. Or in the midst of a horrible divorce. For those that will have to tolerate the unimaginable. For those whose health are already compromised. Or who falls under the “high risk categories”. For sick and vulnerable children. For the elderly. For our government and those making the hard decisions on our behalf. For healthcare and essential workers. For those who will get sick or have to be hospitalized. For the families who will be directly affected.

It is 6:30 am. My 5 year old crawls into bed with me. She is warm and sleepy beside me. Her body melts into mine. I hold her tight. Content in the moment... My youngest bursts into the room and wrestles for her space in the bed. For a few minutes we are packed tight like sardines in a can. My heart swells and expands. Bursting with love for my little people. And all is well in the world.

Social media has, in recent weeks, exploded like the virus itself. Nearly every single post paying tribute to this thing that is consuming the world. Some are positive and uplifting. Many are concerning or downright terrifying. Compounding our worries. Driving our anxieties. Fueling our fear.

One post in particular (source unknown) has stood out for me:

How great is our God. We're on lock-down by government arrangement from 26 March 2020 and the Bible verse Isaiah 26:20 says “Go home, my people and lock your doors! Hide yourself for a little while until the Lords’s anger has passed.”

The timing is surely His. Amazing!! The Lord commanded a lock-down during Passover in Egypt... when the Angel of death passed over the Israelites when protected by the blood of the lamb - Thursday the 16th of April is when Passover ends.

As you all know that's when our lock-down is lifted... 21 days is on April the 16th. God’s timing. Incredible. Amen and Amen! We are all protected. Stay at home. Be at peace. Our God is in control and He knows what He's doing. Thank You Heavenly Father!

The world is facing a war with an invisible, yet very deadly enemy. Satan has unleashed his powers of destruction on the earth. Yet he is not the all powerful one. Nor the omnipresent.

treasure in fragile jars of clay

I've heard that there are four external life events that are the most stressful, or traumatic, experiences that any human being will inevitably face in a lifetime. 

1. The loss or death of a loved one

2. Divorce or breakup of a long term relationship

3. Moving house (or country)

4. Changing jobs or careers

Obviously there are many other things that could be just as traumatic - although probably not experienced by everyone. Some even more so (such as a multitude of health factors, financial loss or poverty, injury or accident, violence or crime, death...) But for the sake of my argument, let's just stick to those four, for the moment.

Five years ago, I experienced three of the four. In the space of a year. Some, more than once. 

The failure of a seven year relationship set the wheels in motion. (Which to me, at the time, pretty much felt like someone dying). I moved three times, including country and continent. And back again. (Not counting a temporary move to my parents' house or the three friends whose couches and spare bedrooms I occupied temporarily on arrival in the UK). In the process I also changed jobs and started my own business.

To me, that had been the most difficult year of my life. In the aftermath - having tried dealing with it in my own way (and failing) - I was not coping too well and felt myself slipping into depression. 

Five years later, considering this past year, I am confident that this last one had been harder. A completely different set of circumstances. Not nearly as life changing - on the contrary the lack of change, to a large extent, has been the main issue - it has been incredibly challenging.

Not yet quite ready to share all that has happened (and not happened) this year, I must admit, I've been a bit of an emotional wreck. Having said that, I am - amazingly - dealing with it much better than I did five years ago.

I believe the major, crucial difference is faith.

Then - I went to church very infrequently. I didn't read my Bible or pray much. I had vague doubts about whether there really is a God or not. At the time, He just seemed like an abstract concept, very far removed from my life.

Now - having been on a spiritual journey for some time now, making a conscious effort to grow spiritually and experience my faith - it is just less daunting to deal with struggles and disappointment. Without letting it crush you. Less lonely. Even though it has been an emotional roller coaster, very trying at times - I am not depressed. 

all for Your glory, God

We don't always understand why "bad" or hard things happen to us. Why we have to go through setbacks. Disappointments. Challenging times.

I honestly don't.

Some of us just seem to have more than our fair share of these periods of difficulty thrown at us by life. I am definitely one of those people. Nothing seems to ever be straightforward. Or easy. Always a fight. Always a challenge.

I don't know if I make it more difficult than it needs to be... Unaccepting. Over analyzing. Offering excessive resistance. 

The question remains: Why does God allow it?

Struggling through an especially persistent phase of challenge, in my quest to determine it's purpose - I have come to a recent revelation: It is to show His glory.

Blessed | Matthew 5:4 from Moving Works on Vimeo.

called by name - part 2

As I was laying in bed this morning, listening to the rain pouring down - reluctant to start my day. To get up out of my warm and comfortable bed, to face the cold and wet. I considered that I haven't been very active in writing here lately. I have been going through an odd phase. Feeling that I am stagnating. Neglected, abandoned, forgotten.

The weather has not been helping. It's been a long, cold and wet winter. I haven't been able to go out walking with the dogs much - leaving them frustrated, as well as me. It is where I find my inspiration. It grounds me, gives me energy, gathers my spirit... If I do get a chance to take them for a walk though, they are so excited to be out. Dragging me along enthusiastically. The only thing I can focus on is not falling on my face on the slippery, muddy farm roads. 

I have also been reading the 24/7 Chronological Bible, which effectively means that I have been reading the old testament all year. Although I do think it is important to read, I have been struggling through Chronicles, Kings, Isaiah, Jeremiah, Ezekiel... Which is overwhelmingly doom and gloom. Not easy reading. Not really lifting my spirits. I am starting to feel like the Israelites in their suffering. Punished, abandoned by God, banished from the promised land.

Recently, I have found myself - more than once - flipping through the remainder of my Bible to see when I will finally reach the new testament (as if it will somehow be sooner if I look more often). Considering that I may be backsliding into "the old testament view" of my religion. When people had to earn their salvation by the way they lived and behaved. Before Jesus came to save them from their misery.

But this morning I came upon one of the many gems in the old testament, in Ezekiel 34 (verses 11-24):

The prophet speaks about a God that will search, find and tend his sheep - Himself. A shepherd looking for his scattered flock. Rescuing them, feeding them, bringing them back home. Ending their suffering - not because they deserve it - but because He is a great and holy God (Ezekiel 36:22-24). Giving them good pastureland where they will lie down in peace, in pleasant places, feeding in lush pastures. Searching for the lost and strayed. Bandaging the injured and strengthening the weak. Giving them one shepherd to feed them and be a prince among them. Being their God.

It reminded me of this half written, almost forgotten post - that was meant to be part of called by name - part 1, but seemed to have a mind of its own, developing into a different message, with the same undercurrent. 

That we were each called by name.

called by name - part 1

Maybe it's just me, but for some reason every year as I am approaching yet another birthday, I find myself taking stock of my life. What I think I should have achieved in the year gone by. Where I should be in life. 

Comparing it to my reality. 

I suppose it is human nature to measure these things in material value. Compare yourself to others of similar age, background, education... To be honest - it can be extremely depressing. Demotivating. Disheartening.

So this year, as my birthday was drawing near towards the end of July, I found myself growing increasingly despondent. Feeling unhappy with my life. Another birthday - but still, in all appearances - in exactly the same place as the year before... And the year before...

Unfortunately for me - or maybe rather fortunately - God does not let you off the hook that easily. Sometimes He really has to make us uncomfortably aware of just how skewed we've had it.

And I have come to realize that this past year I have gained so much that can not be measured in material value. That is worth more than silver and gold (Psalm 119:72). Than money and luxury cars and expensive homes. 

During the week of my birthday I was blessed with such beautiful, inspiring scripture that spoke so directly to to me - right here in this place in my life - where I feel that I have fallen short of the world-that-we-live-in's standards. That it could only have been from a God who takes personal interest in us. In our heartaches and disappointments, our hopes and dreams. Even our feelings of insecurity and fear. 

A God who gives hope - when you feel that there is none. A God who cares enough to make you feel special on your birthday - in spite of your negative, ungrateful attitude. A God who loves you more than you would ever know.

rain down on me - part 1

As I mentioned in my last post, we have recently been on a vacation to Europe. And although it was an experience of a lifetime - as with many things in life - it did not quite turn out as we had hoped or planned...

The first week of our long anticipated trip was packed with exciting sights and experiences - we hardly touched ground, making it our mission to see every sight and do every thing humanly possible in the time available to us.

The second week however, was the main reason for our trip. It has been in the pipeline for more than a year and was to be at a much slower pace. It involved a barge trip with my family on the canals of the French winelands of Burgundy - to celebrate my mom's 60th birthday. We were hoping for good family bonding time, sunny spring weather, good food, good wine, maybe even a tan if we were lucky. As romantic as that sounds, unfortunately, we were not.

On top of icy cold weather (and an especially persistent sinus infection for me), the heavens opened up and poured down consistently for most of our week. We seem to have been somewhat over enthusiastic for the tourist season, that only starts in June, which meant that we found most of the shops and restaurants closed in the little French towns we visited. Before our very eyes, we saw the level of the water in the canals rising within days. 

As I had to spend most of my time inside the cabin of the boat, it felt as if I was missing out on the beautiful scenery and countryside. On an experience that I felt that I was owed somehow. At the time, I remember thinking, that it was just so typical of this phase of my life that I am in. Seemingly - a winter without end.

it's a dog's life - part 1 (Jasper)

Our dog, Jasper, is not a typical border collie. In fact, he is quite unusual. Unlike Luka, the other furry member of our family, who is a border collie in the extreme sense of the breed.

Jasper (apparently that was the only name he would respond to) - or Jassie, as I like to call him - is a runaway. We guess that he was about 1 year old when my husband, Waldo, found him. Malnourished, frightened and most likely abused. Oh but had he known the royal life that was awaiting him!

The sad reality is that, even though they are declared to be the most intelligent of all canine breeds, border collies are often abandoned or neglected, as they are very high energy dogs and need a huge amount of attention. They are not typical family pets and are not generally known to be very child friendly, since they have a tendency to want to herd little children!

I do not really think this was the case with Jassie though... 

sitting for his sip of water

lazy day dreaming