it's all about faith

I haven't been writing for a while... The more time goes by, the easier it becomes not to. The less time I seem to have. The more excuses I find. And the easier it will be to stop altogether. 

I have come to realize that if I don't get back into it soon, that is exactly what will happen.

The truth is that I have really been struggling lately. Hitting an all time low. Refusing to let me out of its debilitating grip. Squeezing. Suffocating.

Ironically, just before it happened, I got several messages urging me to never stop doing this. Ever. So, somewhere at the back of my mind, I know that I still have to do it. I feel a sense of responsibility to keep going, because this is not just about me or for me anymore - as much as I'd like to argue otherwise. And I have learned that the hardest, most painful things to write, are usually what means the most to others.

This year - one that I was hoping would be the year of breakthrough for us - has really (no sugar coating) been an exceptionally rough one for me. A series of crushing disappointments. On multiple levels of my life. Seemingly the more I pray, trust, hope... beg. The worse it's become. Until I have come to a point where I am unable to do it anymore. Doubting my faith. Questioning my God.

To some degree, I have actually been afraid to write. Of what I might write. Catapulting from a spiritual high to an extreme low, is in itself a disappointing blow to me. 

I've come to a point where I don't want to go to church. Or do mentoring. Or pray. I don't want to talk about it anymore, because I am honestly sick to death of all the cliches: "God has something bigger, better planned for you. Everything will work out... in His time. There is a plan and a purpose with all of this"... I am tired of hearing how things are working out so perfectly for others - magically falling into place by some or other miracle. It all just seems so futile. Like some cruel, twisted joke. And even though I still read my Bible on most days, I find a disturbing feeling welling up inside of me. Silently, disdainfully scoffing at the message. Angry at God. Not believing a word. Because how do you believe when things just keep going from bad to worse?

I must say... I have been sufficiently chastised. From various angles. My husband. Friends. A sermon meant specifically for me. Because my attitude needs some serious revision. I need to see this as an opportunity to grow and learn. To quit feeling so damned sorry for myself. Making it all about me. Because it's not. 

In the end it's all about faith.

Granted - It is not always easy to have faith. Especially if you are trusting God for something that just does not seem to happen. And doesn't look like it is going to...

(Encouraging word by Priscilla Shirer - a mighty woman of God. Incredibly inspiring when I need a boost of faith)

it's a dog's life - part 2 (Luka)

A while ago I wrote a post about Jasper, one of our two border collies. Ever since, I have had the knowledge in the back of my mind that I had to write something about the other one, Luka too. After all, I can't write about the one and not the other...

But what to write...

Then the other day, I came across a verse in Psalm 36. I wrote about the rest of this passage (verse 5-9) in another post, in the shadow of Your wings. But this little verse somehow did not seem to fit. At odds with the rest of the passage. Standing out. It stuck:

"You care for animals and people alike, O Lord."

Alike. That says something about the importance of animals to God. They are of the same value to Him that we are. God created us in His image. And He gave us authority over animals. To care for them. (Genesis 1:27-28)

This verse made me think of Luka. At 12 years old, she is not the lively little pup she used to be (sadly, I never got to meet that little pup - although she may just have been a bit much for me to handle, by the sound of it). But she certainly is not letting age get to her!

One handicap that she does have is arthritis. Her back legs and hips are the worst affected. It is heart breaking to see the once extremely active dog struggle to get up after laying down for a while, when it's cold. Snap when you accidentally touch a sensitive spot. Not able to do the things she used to.

All because an insensitive, careless human being threw her with half a brick. For barking. The most natural response for any dog. I don't know how anyone can be so cruel, so heartless.

Ironic to see that man now walking with a limp of his own...

God cares for animals and people alike.  

to be thankful...

Some days I find it really hard to be thankful. Oh, to live with a spirit of thankfulness...

Us humans seem to be incapable of ever having enough. To be content with what we have. Where we are. Who we are.

We always want more. And more.

Even those of us who have more than most. Still we want more. More, Lord.

We are blinded by the things that we still need. The things that we still want. The things that we still want to do.

We so often forget to notice that what we do have. And appreciate it. Be thankful for it.

The Word says that we should make thankfulness our sacrifice to God. To keep the vows that we have made to Him. That if we do, we can call on Him when we are in trouble. That He will rescue us. Give us His glory.

Giving thanks is a sacrifice that truly honors Him. That if we keep to His path, He will reveal to us the salvation of God. (Psalm 50:14-15, 23)

love thy neighbor

Human nature is a fickle thing. It is unreliable. Inconsistent. Deceptive.

The world teaches us to be self centered. Self involved. Selfish. It is all about me. What I want. What I need. My life.

And I am as guilty as anyone.

We are so wrapped up in our own lives. We forget to ask how someone else is doing. To give an encouraging word. To be a shoulder to lean on. To be available.

Instead, we pick up the phone in feigned concern. To talk about their troubles. Instead of reaching out. We gleefully sympathize with their misfortune, while having our nails done. Instead of reaching out. We can't wait to repeat a story of failure, passionately elaborating on the details. Often drawing our own conclusions. Adding a little extra spice to the gossip. Instead of reaching out. 

Oh, have you heard about so and so....?

Some of us even thrive on that. We would much rather discuss someone behind their backs than trying to be there for them. Because that actually requires effort and time and investment.

We fail to notice when those that are meant to be closest to us are hurting or going through a tough time. Because we are so focused on ourselves. We manage to forget about our closest friends for days or weeks or months on end. Because we are so busy with our own lives.

So, we put on a brave face and pretend that nothing is wrong. We create a front for the world. Carefully constructing a smooth exterior. Glossing over anything that might expose the cracks below the surface. Because God forbid that we should share or open up. God forbid that our vulnerabilities and hurts should be exposed for everyone to see. That anyone should find out. That the world should know our realities. Our shame.

Humanity is a fragile thing. And our hearts hang in the balance.

rock bottom

I have been there. Many times.

I have been there in my relationships. I have been there in my career, my business, my finances. I have been there in my relationship with God.

I know what it is to feel betrayed. Lonely. Unloved. I know what it is to feel like a failure. Inadequate. Unsuccessful. What it is to feel like I am not good enough. Broken. Unworthy.

I have been there. Again. Recently.

But this time was different.