A life of Purpose in a changed world.

By Marti-Mari Kellerman

We are living in a changed world.

In the space of a short few weeks the virus, that most of us have only heard about vaguely from other parts of the world, now the buzz word on everybody’s lips. There is barely a conversation where it is not mentioned. This plague, like some medieval horror from our worst nightmares, has spread like a wild fire. Consuming the entire world in its wake. Changing our realities. Instantaneously. Shaking the very core of our existence.

Human beings are strange creatures. Panic buying, stock piling and mass hysteria - suddenly at the order of the day. The air is thick with fear, anxiety and speculation. Words like "social distancing" and “self isolation" suddenly part of our daily vocabulary. We have been preparing for "lock-down". Yet we have no idea what it is that needs to be done. A concept so foreign, the very word making us scramble in panic. One only a rare few has ever had to fathom. Yet it now has the entire world in its grip.

This virus is showcasing the very worst of humanity. Selfishness. Greed. Paranoia. Fear. Ignorance.

And at the same time, the very best. We are seeing acts of extreme selflessness. Generosity. Unity. Hope. Faith.

It is 4:00 am. My 2,5 year old scrambles into bed beside me. She snuggles up close and falls asleep immediately. I don’t sleep well with them in my space. But today I don’t take her back to her own bed right away. Her even breathing calms my anxious thoughts. That same breathing terrifying me all at once...

I am terrified of what all of this means. Of the isolation we have to endure. Of being kept away from family and friends amidst this frightful time. The stress, uncertainty and frustration. Of being self-employed at a time like this. Of emotional distress, financial loss and economic failure. Of inadequate medical facilities, care, supplies and staff. Of a world that will be unrecognizable at the end of this. Of possibly not being there for the end of it. Or having to sacrifice a loved one to its horror.

Yet I am so very grateful. For loved ones: family and friends, even though we are apart. For my family that is with me, where I can hold them close. For my health and that of my children. For their warm little bodies in my arms. For a home filled with their love and laughter (and often crying and fighting). Of tight hugs and sloppy kisses. For the support of my spiritual and fitness families. For a home with space and all the amenities I could possibly need at a time like this. For a little bit of outdoor space and a glimpse of nature out there, blissfully unaware of how much (in the blink of an eye) it has all changed. For being able to see the sunrise, mountains and vineyards from my window. For the financial capacity to be prepared to some degree, even if means going into debt. For food on the table. For shelter and security. For being so much more fortunate than so many others out there, especially at a time like this. Where mere weeks ago it didn’t possibly seem enough. When I thought I had the world on my shoulders...

And my heart bleeds for those who are not as lucky. For the homeless and unemployed. For those who live in the townships and squatter camps. On top of each other, with no personal space. For those who live hand to mouth. And cannot afford to stay home without an income. For people who will not have food on the table or a safe place to live. For the children of the less advantaged. For those who will be completely alone or without support. For people in abusive, destructive relationships. Or in the midst of a horrible divorce. For those that will have to tolerate the unimaginable. For those whose health are already compromised. Or who falls under the “high risk categories”. For sick and vulnerable children. For the elderly. For our government and those making the hard decisions on our behalf. For healthcare and essential workers. For those who will get sick or have to be hospitalized. For the families who will be directly affected.

It is 6:30 am. My 5 year old crawls into bed with me. She is warm and sleepy beside me. Her body melts into mine. I hold her tight. Content in the moment... My youngest bursts into the room and wrestles for her space in the bed. For a few minutes we are packed tight like sardines in a can. My heart swells and expands. Bursting with love for my little people. And all is well in the world.

Social media has, in recent weeks, exploded like the virus itself. Nearly every single post paying tribute to this thing that is consuming the world. Some are positive and uplifting. Many are concerning or downright terrifying. Compounding our worries. Driving our anxieties. Fueling our fear.

One post in particular (source unknown) has stood out for me:

How great is our God. We're on lock-down by government arrangement from 26 March 2020 and the Bible verse Isaiah 26:20 says “Go home, my people and lock your doors! Hide yourself for a little while until the Lords’s anger has passed.”

The timing is surely His. Amazing!! The Lord commanded a lock-down during Passover in Egypt... when the Angel of death passed over the Israelites when protected by the blood of the lamb - Thursday the 16th of April is when Passover ends.

As you all know that's when our lock-down is lifted... 21 days is on April the 16th. God’s timing. Incredible. Amen and Amen! We are all protected. Stay at home. Be at peace. Our God is in control and He knows what He's doing. Thank You Heavenly Father!

The world is facing a war with an invisible, yet very deadly enemy. Satan has unleashed his powers of destruction on the earth. Yet he is not the all powerful one. Nor the omnipresent.

is anything too hard or too wonderful for the Lord?

Every so often I read through some of my old blog posts. It reminds me of why I do this. Of the spiritual truths and revelations I have come across in my journey of faith. But it also assists in taking stock of my life. To me, it reads like an emotional and spiritual diary. Where I have come from, where I am now. Where I have backslided, where I have overcome.

Oh, I definitely have my favourites. Ironically, most of them, the hardest to write. Through the most challenging of times. 

There is decidedly a central theme running through most of my blog posts. I guess it is just the season I have been going through. I am hoping that this season is coming to an end. That this year, my blog posts will be a little less serious. A little more lighthearted. 

Less challenge and difficulty. More breakthrough and happiness.

But that doesn't mean that it should not be about faith. 

Life challenges test and try our faith. But they also extend and deepen it. It is where God's grace lifts us up, gives us the ability to endure, empowers us to overcome. 

And in happier times, we are filled with gratitude - looking back at where we have come from. In awe of God's faithfulness - that is so much more than we could have hoped or dared ask for. (Ephesians 3:20)

It makes me think of Abraham. For some reason I have had the father of our faith on my mind for months. I have been noticing how often he is mentioned throughout the Bible, especially in the new testament. This man must have been exceptional for him to be given that much exposure in the Word of God...

Abraham is such a powerful example of obedience and faithfulness to God in the face of incredible challenge, uncertainty and doubt. 

a new beginning

And so it is a new year...

A new beginning. A fresh start.

It is remarkable how - even though nothing really changes in the transition from December 31st to January 1st - we somehow feel refreshed. As if we have been given a new lease on life. We suddenly have new goals (for the same things), new energy (to tackle the same problems), new hope (for positive change in the same circumstances). We wait in hopeful anticipation of what the new year may bring.

When we have had a particularly rough year - like 2013 has been for many - we are especially eager to wave farewell to the old and expectantly welcome the new.

Even though I have just finished the new testament (and my NLT chronological Bible), I've decided to also start the new year with the new testament (this year taking on the Amplified Bible). After all, that is exactly what it represents: a new beginning, a fresh start. New life.

The very first chapter in the new testament (Matthew 1), describes the birth of Jesus - a promise fulfilled by God, representing the new covenant with His people. Offering a new beginning, a fresh start. Offering a new life to those who, unlike Herod, would accept Him as their Savior - the very meaning of His name (Jesus), also called Emmanuel - 

"God with us"

She will bear a Son, and you shall call His name Jesus [the Greek form of the Hebrew Joshua, which means Savior], for He will save His people from their sins [that is, prevent them from failing and missing the true end and scope of life, which is God]. All this took place that it might be fulfilled which the Lord had spoken through the prophet, "Behold, the virgin shall become pregnant and give birth to a Son, and they shall call His name Emmanuel–which, when translated, means, God with us." [Isa. 7:14.] (Matthew 1:21-23 AMP)

I would like to start this year having God-with-me. I want to walk it with my Savior, so that I will not miss God - the purpose of life.

Matthew fastforwards 30 odd years to the scene where Jesus is baptized in the Jordan by John the Baptist and the Spirit of God descends on Him. 

I have never noticed this before... In the last verse of Matthew 3, God proclaims His love for Jesus. But in the very next verse starting off Matthew 4, Jesus - led by the Spirit - is tested and tried by satan. Even though He is God's Beloved Son, in Whom He delights...

And behold, a voice from heaven said, This is My Son, My Beloved, in Whom I delight! [Ps. 2:7; Isa. 42:1.] (Matthew 3:17 AMP) THEN JESUS was led (guided) by the [Holy] Spirit into the wilderness (desert) to be tempted (tested and tried) by the devil. (Matthew 4:1 AMP)

Priscilla Shirer (One in a million: journey to your promised land)

treasure in fragile jars of clay

I've heard that there are four external life events that are the most stressful, or traumatic, experiences that any human being will inevitably face in a lifetime. 

1. The loss or death of a loved one

2. Divorce or breakup of a long term relationship

3. Moving house (or country)

4. Changing jobs or careers

Obviously there are many other things that could be just as traumatic - although probably not experienced by everyone. Some even more so (such as a multitude of health factors, financial loss or poverty, injury or accident, violence or crime, death...) But for the sake of my argument, let's just stick to those four, for the moment.

Five years ago, I experienced three of the four. In the space of a year. Some, more than once. 

The failure of a seven year relationship set the wheels in motion. (Which to me, at the time, pretty much felt like someone dying). I moved three times, including country and continent. And back again. (Not counting a temporary move to my parents' house or the three friends whose couches and spare bedrooms I occupied temporarily on arrival in the UK). In the process I also changed jobs and started my own business.

To me, that had been the most difficult year of my life. In the aftermath - having tried dealing with it in my own way (and failing) - I was not coping too well and felt myself slipping into depression. 

Five years later, considering this past year, I am confident that this last one had been harder. A completely different set of circumstances. Not nearly as life changing - on the contrary the lack of change, to a large extent, has been the main issue - it has been incredibly challenging.

Not yet quite ready to share all that has happened (and not happened) this year, I must admit, I've been a bit of an emotional wreck. Having said that, I am - amazingly - dealing with it much better than I did five years ago.

I believe the major, crucial difference is faith.

Then - I went to church very infrequently. I didn't read my Bible or pray much. I had vague doubts about whether there really is a God or not. At the time, He just seemed like an abstract concept, very far removed from my life.

Now - having been on a spiritual journey for some time now, making a conscious effort to grow spiritually and experience my faith - it is just less daunting to deal with struggles and disappointment. Without letting it crush you. Less lonely. Even though it has been an emotional roller coaster, very trying at times - I am not depressed. 

it's all about faith

I haven't been writing for a while... The more time goes by, the easier it becomes not to. The less time I seem to have. The more excuses I find. And the easier it will be to stop altogether. 

I have come to realize that if I don't get back into it soon, that is exactly what will happen.

The truth is that I have really been struggling lately. Hitting an all time low. Refusing to let me out of its debilitating grip. Squeezing. Suffocating.

Ironically, just before it happened, I got several messages urging me to never stop doing this. Ever. So, somewhere at the back of my mind, I know that I still have to do it. I feel a sense of responsibility to keep going, because this is not just about me or for me anymore - as much as I'd like to argue otherwise. And I have learned that the hardest, most painful things to write, are usually what means the most to others.

This year - one that I was hoping would be the year of breakthrough for us - has really (no sugar coating) been an exceptionally rough one for me. A series of crushing disappointments. On multiple levels of my life. Seemingly the more I pray, trust, hope... beg. The worse it's become. Until I have come to a point where I am unable to do it anymore. Doubting my faith. Questioning my God.

To some degree, I have actually been afraid to write. Of what I might write. Catapulting from a spiritual high to an extreme low, is in itself a disappointing blow to me. 

I've come to a point where I don't want to go to church. Or do mentoring. Or pray. I don't want to talk about it anymore, because I am honestly sick to death of all the cliches: "God has something bigger, better planned for you. Everything will work out... in His time. There is a plan and a purpose with all of this"... I am tired of hearing how things are working out so perfectly for others - magically falling into place by some or other miracle. It all just seems so futile. Like some cruel, twisted joke. And even though I still read my Bible on most days, I find a disturbing feeling welling up inside of me. Silently, disdainfully scoffing at the message. Angry at God. Not believing a word. Because how do you believe when things just keep going from bad to worse?

I must say... I have been sufficiently chastised. From various angles. My husband. Friends. A sermon meant specifically for me. Because my attitude needs some serious revision. I need to see this as an opportunity to grow and learn. To quit feeling so damned sorry for myself. Making it all about me. Because it's not. 

In the end it's all about faith.

Granted - It is not always easy to have faith. Especially if you are trusting God for something that just does not seem to happen. And doesn't look like it is going to...

(Encouraging word by Priscilla Shirer - a mighty woman of God. Incredibly inspiring when I need a boost of faith)

the power of words

This post started out as something different altogether. Something a little less optimistic.

I am in a phase of my life where I often feel discouraged. Where - most of the time - life does not seem fair. Where things are not working out the way I had hoped.

When I am there - I tend to put a negative spin on things. I come up against a wall of bad news. Disappointments. Unanswered prayers. And no matter how hard I try to stay optimistic. To look on the bright side. To see some kind of silver lining or ray of light at the end of a dark tunnel... 
Some days, it is just really hard.

I find myself sinking into despair. Thoughts flashing in my mind - like a snake spitting venom. It stings. And like some trapped, scared little bird it flutters around anxiously. Agitated. Wreaking havoc. Threatening to spill out of my mouth in a string of dark words - once out, never to be taken back.

But it is then that I have to take care in what I do allow to come out of my mouth. It is during those times that we have to be really careful about what we say. 

I have been called out on it several times. I have been told to speak life. 

Only starting to realize the importance of what I say. The power of words. The damage they could cause.

As the saying goes - the pen is mightier than the sword. The same goes for the spoken word... So few people realize the consequences of what their words can do to themselves and others. Carelessly saying whatever they feel like. Whatever pops into their minds.

Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. James 1:19 NLT

(source unknown)

hope in the Lord

Hope - in some ways, is very much like doubt. Small embers, glowing in the dark. Taking light, its flame slowing burning until it becomes a bright beam in the darkness.

Like a fire, it is beautiful to behold. Its warmth soothing on your skin. But when you come too close, it burns you. Out of control, it will consume you.

Hope can so easily be transformed into earth shattering disappointment. Anger. Resentment.

Unfounded. Misguided. Hope comes like a wolf in sheep's clothing.

Disguised as unanswered prayer. Hopelessness. Defeat.

The enemy is shouting in my mind: Where is this God that you believe in? He doesn't care about you! He doesn't even hear you! He is not going to answer your prayers. He has forsaken you! Does He even exist...? This God of yours. 

WHERE is He?!

Words, lies - flowing like tears.

Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again— my Savior and my God! (Psalms 42:11 NLT)

battlefield of the mind - part 1

We have been away for a couple of days over the Easter holidays. To take some time out of an already busy and challenging year. At the end of 2012 I had declared that 2013 was going to be my year - the year where things were going to start working out for us.

But I started the year feeling exhausted. And so far this year has been even harder than the last one.

This week was meant to be a week of rest and restoration. But nearing the end of our break, I am feeling even more exhausted than before. Feeling stressed and tired and discouraged. The results are wreaking havoc on my body - physically and emotionally.

The thing that set all of this into motion, was an unexpected blow that threatens the existence of a business venture of the past two plus years. A venture that demanded large measures of sacrifice, time, effort and a huge financial investment from my family. And it meant that I had to get out of my comfort zone.

A venture that was just starting to show the fruits of our efforts. And is now effectively going to die a swift death. With me on the losing side. And the duration and casualties of war still undetermined.

Arguably this is big. And it will have massive implications for me. It should be expected that it is going to have some kind of impact on me. But how I choose to deal with it is my decision... And it will - in the end - determine the outcome.

trust without borders - part 2

Ironically I recently talked about coincidence (or, maybe rather the opposite of it). Something God wants to highlight for you. To focus your attention. And make you take note.

Study this Book of Instruction continually. Meditate on it day and night so you will be sure to obey everything written in it. Only then will you prosper and succeed in all you do. This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:8-9 NLT

These are the verses that my attention has recently been drawn to. Continuously. From various sources.

And it has somehow drawn me back to a song that has also recently given me pause - from a post I did, called trust without borders. My focus was on trust and faith. Which is - still - absolutely true. I still, most definitely, want to have trust without borders and for my faith to be made stronger.

But the song goes so much deeper than that.