in the shadow of Your wings

I haven't written here for awhile. Mostly because I was fortunate enough to take some much needed time out and travel to Europe for two weeks. But also, even if I did have time to write during the last week of our trip, I was feeling somewhat at a loss on what to write about. Blank.

Sitting on the flight back to Cape Town, I was considering my circumstances at home, feeling myself slip back into despair about the current state of the life I was returning to. Coming to the realization of just how badly I had needed to get away and just forget about everything. Even if it was just for a little while. But sadly (I have to confess), at the same time, also how unashamedly I had neglected my quiet time with God over the past two weeks. I had even taken a break from that!

All things considered - most probably my lack of quiet time goes a long way in explaining my state of mind at the time.

Having just returned from our trip, I was feeling a bit out of sorts. Wondering how I was going to get back into the spiritual routine I had worked so hard to establish. And so easily let slip. Not because God expects it of me, but because I really do need it. Like breathing.

And so, on my first morning back home, I open my Bible to Psalm 36 (verse 5-9):

Your unfailing love, O Lord, is as vast as the heavens; your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds. Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains, your justice like the ocean depths. You care for people and animals alike, O Lord. How precious is your unfailing love, O God! All humanity finds shelter in the shadow of your wings. You feed them from the abundance of your own house, letting them drink from your river of delights. For you are the fountain of life, the light by which we see.

Even though I had planned to catch up on my shamefully behind daily Bible reading plan, I got stuck right away on this Psalm. And I recall having read words by Priscilla Shirer - something to this extent: When you feel the Word of God leap out of the page and stun you, stop right there. Don't rush ahead with your Bible reading. Because it is the living Word of God at work. It is not some random coincidence. It is God Himself speaking to you through His Word.

Psalm 36 says that God's love for us is unfailing. It is as vast as the heavens. The greatness and extent of God's love for us is so indescribable that David used our only known reference. Creation. The heavens and the clouds. And even that is beyond human grasp.

trust without borders - part 3

In my mind's eye I have this image of a lake. It is set next to a range of smaller valleys and hills. Calm and smooth as a mirror. The time of day must be dusk, because all the colours are fading away and everything is painted in shades of grey. One colour flowing into the next, with only the contrast of dark and light that differentiates shapes. Reflections glimmering on the surface of the water.

The image is tranquil. Calm and soothing.

For some reason I imagine this to be a place where Jesus would be. Maybe from the scene where Jesus was teaching the multitudes at the Sea of Galilee (also called the Lake of Gennesaret). After the crowds have left. So I look for Him on the far shore and for a moment I see a profile in the shadows. But it must be my imagination playing tricks on me. There is no-one there.

Then, totally unexpected, I feel a tender embrace from behind me. And I realise that, even though I don't always see Him, He is always there. Carrying me through whatever my situation is. With tender love and support.

I will call upon your name. Keep my eyes above the waves. My soul will rest in your embrace. I am Yours and You are mine. (Oceans, Hillsong United)

You may have noticed that this song is of special significance to me (for reasons not completely known to me). As I mentioned in my first post about it, trust without borders - part 1 - it touches my spirit. Every time I listen to it, it seems to give me a new message. A deeper meaning.

So, quite understandably, when they gave this song special attention during the opening ceremony of the recent Hillsong Colour Conference in Cape Town, which I had the priveledge of attending earlier in April - I was elated. Overcome by emotion.

I thought that it was beautiful and special and awesome. But I didn't make much more of it. I didn't read a deeper meaning into it. Or think that it had special significance for me. At the time, I thought that it was pure coincidence.

undeserved grace

I wrote this post more than a week ago, but was reluctant to publish it. To let it go out into the world. Because it is so very personal. Because it was written from a place of deep hurt and brokenness. From a place of entitlement. A certainty that I deserved more than this life I have been given. It exposes my vulnerability, my insecurities, my fear.

Today I realized that in writing this, was a turning point for me. I came to the realization that God has been making some monumental shifts in my mind, in my heart, in my spirit. I have come so amazingly far in such an incredibly short space of time. And I continue to grow spiritually every day. Even though materially I am not doing so well, my soul has never been in better shape. So He must be working in me. Because I used to be a glass-half-empty kind of person. Now I am leaning towards glass-brimming-over. Now I choose to be optimistic. Learning to see God as my Source. My Provider. And I know that I will be more than just okay.      

If I am one thing, it is that I am hard on myself.

When I do something, I must give 110% and be the best at doing it, or it won't be good enough. I set myself up to fail, because I can not possibly meet the standards that I set for myself. No one can.

And still, I am upset when I don't measure up.

I have been confronted with some harsh realities about myself recently. And it is going to be really hard to put it out there. Because it is so incredibly personal. And once I have it there - out in the open, in black and white - I can never go back.

just breathe...

It was raining as I woke up on Tuesday morning. Winter is creeping up on us. It was chilly and still black night outside the window. When the world outside is still sleeping, I find it extremely hard to wake up. But I knew that I had to take the dogs for their walk - rain or shine. I haven't walked them for 2 days and (as border collies tend to get without exercise) Luka was becoming increasingly hyperactive and restless. Throwing sad glances my way each time she realized that "the walk" wasn't happening.

And I just felt like pulling the duvet over my head and staying in bed. But walk we were going to do...

Before the dreaded walk, still warmly tucked under the covers, I read a chapter from the book, Unmerited Favor by Joseph Prince, called Practicing the Presence of Jesus.

The chapter starts with the following: "Let's look at some practical keys on how you can begin to experience God's manifested presence in your life by practicing His presence. It is one thing to know theoretically that God is with you, but to experience His presence, you have to increase your consciousness of His presence by practicing His presence! This is not something difficult. In fact, it should be rather effortless..."

As I am reading this, my heart sinks.

I have read and heard and been given advice about my walk with God - by many well meaning Christians. The thing that usually gets me down is that, most of the time, you are given a message but are not told how to implement it. 

Maybe that person doesn't know how to do this. Maybe you are expected to know how to do it all by yourself. But I usually end up feeling discouraged and defeated because it just seems like another idealistic theory that seems impossible to apply in your life.

Immediately I think: Off course I want to experience God's presence, but HOW do you practice it??

The fantastic thing about this book is that it is written as a practical guideline and the author actually does give you realistic, everyday examples of how you can practice God's presence.

take the first step

In my last post I mentioned that I am reading The Resolution for Women by Priscilla Shirer. Shortly after that post, I was reading a section in the book called Leaving a Godly legacy, in which she describes a scene from Deuteronomy in the Old Testament where Moses is trying to impress upon the Israelites the crucial decisions that they were faced with.

I thought that was a surprising coincidence after my recent post about Moses and the Israelites, when we struggle with doubt. But still, just a coincidence.

The very next day, I read that exact same scripture in Deuteronomy as part of my chronological Bible reading plan...

A little too much coincidence?

I think so. There must be a message in there for me...