You don't miss a thing

One night last week I went to bed with doubt in my heart. To me - it seems - that God is answering everyone's prayers but mine. And suddenly I am filled with doubt. Does God care about me? Why doesn't He change my circumstances when He can so obviously do it without any effort? Does He even know about me? About my life? My circumstances? Why doesn't He change it when I ask Him to?

And immediately I feel ashamed. Ashamed because I write this blog about faith and trust and belief. And still I doubt... And the enemy comes to kill and destroy. Whispering more words of doubt in my ear. Why do you even bother... You are just wasting your time. What difference does it make anyway?

As I was drifting off to sleep, I thought of people that have asked God for signs. And then more signs to prove that the first one was real. And I pray that He will give me a sign so that I will know that He will come through for me. That He will give me the breakthrough that I have been praying for - for so long. That He will increase my faith and trust and hope in Him.  

The next morning I woke up with words of a song You know me by Bethel Music (The Loft Sessions) playing in my mind: 

"And nothing is hidden from Your sight. Wherever I go, You find me. You know every detail of my life. And You are God. And You don't miss a thing. O, You know me..." 

"You memorize me." 

Doesn't that just say it all? It captures His great love for us.

And as the morning progresses, I get three messages, from three completely unrelated people. Saying that something that I wrote was meant for them. That it inspires them. That it somehow makes a difference to them. 

Whenever I have doubt in my heart about writing this blog, this is what happens - three messages from three individuals, communicated in three different ways. Surely - divine encouragement! God uses you (you know who you are) to encourage me too. Thank you! It means the world to me.

rain down on me - part 1

As I mentioned in my last post, we have recently been on a vacation to Europe. And although it was an experience of a lifetime - as with many things in life - it did not quite turn out as we had hoped or planned...

The first week of our long anticipated trip was packed with exciting sights and experiences - we hardly touched ground, making it our mission to see every sight and do every thing humanly possible in the time available to us.

The second week however, was the main reason for our trip. It has been in the pipeline for more than a year and was to be at a much slower pace. It involved a barge trip with my family on the canals of the French winelands of Burgundy - to celebrate my mom's 60th birthday. We were hoping for good family bonding time, sunny spring weather, good food, good wine, maybe even a tan if we were lucky. As romantic as that sounds, unfortunately, we were not.

On top of icy cold weather (and an especially persistent sinus infection for me), the heavens opened up and poured down consistently for most of our week. We seem to have been somewhat over enthusiastic for the tourist season, that only starts in June, which meant that we found most of the shops and restaurants closed in the little French towns we visited. Before our very eyes, we saw the level of the water in the canals rising within days. 

As I had to spend most of my time inside the cabin of the boat, it felt as if I was missing out on the beautiful scenery and countryside. On an experience that I felt that I was owed somehow. At the time, I remember thinking, that it was just so typical of this phase of my life that I am in. Seemingly - a winter without end.

in the shadow of Your wings

I haven't written here for awhile. Mostly because I was fortunate enough to take some much needed time out and travel to Europe for two weeks. But also, even if I did have time to write during the last week of our trip, I was feeling somewhat at a loss on what to write about. Blank.

Sitting on the flight back to Cape Town, I was considering my circumstances at home, feeling myself slip back into despair about the current state of the life I was returning to. Coming to the realization of just how badly I had needed to get away and just forget about everything. Even if it was just for a little while. But sadly (I have to confess), at the same time, also how unashamedly I had neglected my quiet time with God over the past two weeks. I had even taken a break from that!

All things considered - most probably my lack of quiet time goes a long way in explaining my state of mind at the time.

Having just returned from our trip, I was feeling a bit out of sorts. Wondering how I was going to get back into the spiritual routine I had worked so hard to establish. And so easily let slip. Not because God expects it of me, but because I really do need it. Like breathing.

And so, on my first morning back home, I open my Bible to Psalm 36 (verse 5-9):

Your unfailing love, O Lord, is as vast as the heavens; your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds. Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains, your justice like the ocean depths. You care for people and animals alike, O Lord. How precious is your unfailing love, O God! All humanity finds shelter in the shadow of your wings. You feed them from the abundance of your own house, letting them drink from your river of delights. For you are the fountain of life, the light by which we see.

Even though I had planned to catch up on my shamefully behind daily Bible reading plan, I got stuck right away on this Psalm. And I recall having read words by Priscilla Shirer - something to this extent: When you feel the Word of God leap out of the page and stun you, stop right there. Don't rush ahead with your Bible reading. Because it is the living Word of God at work. It is not some random coincidence. It is God Himself speaking to you through His Word.

Psalm 36 says that God's love for us is unfailing. It is as vast as the heavens. The greatness and extent of God's love for us is so indescribable that David used our only known reference. Creation. The heavens and the clouds. And even that is beyond human grasp.

the desires of your heart

Some time ago, I started my day with the certainty that God does not give us hopes and dreams, just to make it unattainable for us. If he puts something on our hearts, he has meant to put it there. And it is something that we can dare to hope for. To trust for.

For some time now I have been walking around with this thought and thinking about what I actually want to write about it. Although I knew that there is something there, I was not quite sure what it is that I need to say on this subject... So I  decided to look up what scripture has to say about it.

This is what the Word of God says:

Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He will give you the desires and secret petitions of your heart.  (Psalm 37:4 AMP)

My soul, wait only upon God and silently submit to Him; for my hope and expectation are from Him. (Psalm 62:5 AMP) The Message says: Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him.

The eyes of all look expectantly to You and You give them their food in due season. You open Your hand and satisfy the desire of every living thing. (Psalms 145:15, 16 NKJV)

trust without borders - part 3

In my mind's eye I have this image of a lake. It is set next to a range of smaller valleys and hills. Calm and smooth as a mirror. The time of day must be dusk, because all the colours are fading away and everything is painted in shades of grey. One colour flowing into the next, with only the contrast of dark and light that differentiates shapes. Reflections glimmering on the surface of the water.

The image is tranquil. Calm and soothing.

For some reason I imagine this to be a place where Jesus would be. Maybe from the scene where Jesus was teaching the multitudes at the Sea of Galilee (also called the Lake of Gennesaret). After the crowds have left. So I look for Him on the far shore and for a moment I see a profile in the shadows. But it must be my imagination playing tricks on me. There is no-one there.

Then, totally unexpected, I feel a tender embrace from behind me. And I realise that, even though I don't always see Him, He is always there. Carrying me through whatever my situation is. With tender love and support.

I will call upon your name. Keep my eyes above the waves. My soul will rest in your embrace. I am Yours and You are mine. (Oceans, Hillsong United)

You may have noticed that this song is of special significance to me (for reasons not completely known to me). As I mentioned in my first post about it, trust without borders - part 1 - it touches my spirit. Every time I listen to it, it seems to give me a new message. A deeper meaning.

So, quite understandably, when they gave this song special attention during the opening ceremony of the recent Hillsong Colour Conference in Cape Town, which I had the priveledge of attending earlier in April - I was elated. Overcome by emotion.

I thought that it was beautiful and special and awesome. But I didn't make much more of it. I didn't read a deeper meaning into it. Or think that it had special significance for me. At the time, I thought that it was pure coincidence.