the desires of your heart

Some time ago, I started my day with the certainty that God does not give us hopes and dreams, just to make it unattainable for us. If he puts something on our hearts, he has meant to put it there. And it is something that we can dare to hope for. To trust for.

For some time now I have been walking around with this thought and thinking about what I actually want to write about it. Although I knew that there is something there, I was not quite sure what it is that I need to say on this subject... So I  decided to look up what scripture has to say about it.

This is what the Word of God says:

Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He will give you the desires and secret petitions of your heart.  (Psalm 37:4 AMP)

My soul, wait only upon God and silently submit to Him; for my hope and expectation are from Him. (Psalm 62:5 AMP) The Message says: Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him.

The eyes of all look expectantly to You and You give them their food in due season. You open Your hand and satisfy the desire of every living thing. (Psalms 145:15, 16 NKJV)

trust without borders - part 3

In my mind's eye I have this image of a lake. It is set next to a range of smaller valleys and hills. Calm and smooth as a mirror. The time of day must be dusk, because all the colours are fading away and everything is painted in shades of grey. One colour flowing into the next, with only the contrast of dark and light that differentiates shapes. Reflections glimmering on the surface of the water.

The image is tranquil. Calm and soothing.

For some reason I imagine this to be a place where Jesus would be. Maybe from the scene where Jesus was teaching the multitudes at the Sea of Galilee (also called the Lake of Gennesaret). After the crowds have left. So I look for Him on the far shore and for a moment I see a profile in the shadows. But it must be my imagination playing tricks on me. There is no-one there.

Then, totally unexpected, I feel a tender embrace from behind me. And I realise that, even though I don't always see Him, He is always there. Carrying me through whatever my situation is. With tender love and support.

I will call upon your name. Keep my eyes above the waves. My soul will rest in your embrace. I am Yours and You are mine. (Oceans, Hillsong United)

You may have noticed that this song is of special significance to me (for reasons not completely known to me). As I mentioned in my first post about it, trust without borders - part 1 - it touches my spirit. Every time I listen to it, it seems to give me a new message. A deeper meaning.

So, quite understandably, when they gave this song special attention during the opening ceremony of the recent Hillsong Colour Conference in Cape Town, which I had the priveledge of attending earlier in April - I was elated. Overcome by emotion.

I thought that it was beautiful and special and awesome. But I didn't make much more of it. I didn't read a deeper meaning into it. Or think that it had special significance for me. At the time, I thought that it was pure coincidence.

love thy neighbor

Human nature is a fickle thing. It is unreliable. Inconsistent. Deceptive.

The world teaches us to be self centered. Self involved. Selfish. It is all about me. What I want. What I need. My life.

And I am as guilty as anyone.

We are so wrapped up in our own lives. We forget to ask how someone else is doing. To give an encouraging word. To be a shoulder to lean on. To be available.

Instead, we pick up the phone in feigned concern. To talk about their troubles. Instead of reaching out. We gleefully sympathize with their misfortune, while having our nails done. Instead of reaching out. We can't wait to repeat a story of failure, passionately elaborating on the details. Often drawing our own conclusions. Adding a little extra spice to the gossip. Instead of reaching out. 

Oh, have you heard about so and so....?

Some of us even thrive on that. We would much rather discuss someone behind their backs than trying to be there for them. Because that actually requires effort and time and investment.

We fail to notice when those that are meant to be closest to us are hurting or going through a tough time. Because we are so focused on ourselves. We manage to forget about our closest friends for days or weeks or months on end. Because we are so busy with our own lives.

So, we put on a brave face and pretend that nothing is wrong. We create a front for the world. Carefully constructing a smooth exterior. Glossing over anything that might expose the cracks below the surface. Because God forbid that we should share or open up. God forbid that our vulnerabilities and hurts should be exposed for everyone to see. That anyone should find out. That the world should know our realities. Our shame.

Humanity is a fragile thing. And our hearts hang in the balance.

undeserved grace

I wrote this post more than a week ago, but was reluctant to publish it. To let it go out into the world. Because it is so very personal. Because it was written from a place of deep hurt and brokenness. From a place of entitlement. A certainty that I deserved more than this life I have been given. It exposes my vulnerability, my insecurities, my fear.

Today I realized that in writing this, was a turning point for me. I came to the realization that God has been making some monumental shifts in my mind, in my heart, in my spirit. I have come so amazingly far in such an incredibly short space of time. And I continue to grow spiritually every day. Even though materially I am not doing so well, my soul has never been in better shape. So He must be working in me. Because I used to be a glass-half-empty kind of person. Now I am leaning towards glass-brimming-over. Now I choose to be optimistic. Learning to see God as my Source. My Provider. And I know that I will be more than just okay.      

If I am one thing, it is that I am hard on myself.

When I do something, I must give 110% and be the best at doing it, or it won't be good enough. I set myself up to fail, because I can not possibly meet the standards that I set for myself. No one can.

And still, I am upset when I don't measure up.

I have been confronted with some harsh realities about myself recently. And it is going to be really hard to put it out there. Because it is so incredibly personal. And once I have it there - out in the open, in black and white - I can never go back.

it's a dog's life - part 1 (Jasper)

Our dog, Jasper, is not a typical border collie. In fact, he is quite unusual. Unlike Luka, the other furry member of our family, who is a border collie in the extreme sense of the breed.

Jasper (apparently that was the only name he would respond to) - or Jassie, as I like to call him - is a runaway. We guess that he was about 1 year old when my husband, Waldo, found him. Malnourished, frightened and most likely abused. Oh but had he known the royal life that was awaiting him!

The sad reality is that, even though they are declared to be the most intelligent of all canine breeds, border collies are often abandoned or neglected, as they are very high energy dogs and need a huge amount of attention. They are not typical family pets and are not generally known to be very child friendly, since they have a tendency to want to herd little children!

I do not really think this was the case with Jassie though... 

sitting for his sip of water

lazy day dreaming