let the Lord be your light

Rudely awakened from a deep sleep by our border collie, Jasper. Startled by his black and white face, illuminated by the flash of light in the bedroom - suddenly looming over my own in the darkness. He sat perched on the narrow ledge of bed, between me and the edge, almost on my face! Panting, nearly hyperventilating. Eyes bulging in fear of the lightning and thunder raging outside.

It is the second time in three days that this has happened. The older he gets, the more terrified he becomes of the storm outside.

Whispering words of reassurance, hugging him tightly to my body, in the hope of calming Him down. But the more I try to console him - apparently completely unaware of my attempts - he seems to be growing ever more frantic. Restlessly moving about the bed and over me. All hope of sleep abandoned. 

Until I manage to hold him down on his side, in my arms. Soothing. Stroking. He hesitantly gives in. Sighs and lays down his head. Calmed somewhat.

I find myself thinking that sometimes I must make God feel this way.  

He knows what is good for me. He planned my life long in advance. He knows what is coming. And what is not.
(Psalm 138:16)

But still - I struggle ahead with my own plans, frantically searching. Trying to make things fit. To calm my mind, my soul. And the more He tries to draw me close, to bring me near, to give me rest... The more I struggle and strain! Fighting for control. 

And I find the Spirit urging me to read the story about the lost sheep again. (Luke 15:3-7)

I have read it countless times. I know it by heart. But still the gentle nudge...

hope in the Lord

Hope - in some ways, is very much like doubt. Small embers, glowing in the dark. Taking light, its flame slowing burning until it becomes a bright beam in the darkness.

Like a fire, it is beautiful to behold. Its warmth soothing on your skin. But when you come too close, it burns you. Out of control, it will consume you.

Hope can so easily be transformed into earth shattering disappointment. Anger. Resentment.

Unfounded. Misguided. Hope comes like a wolf in sheep's clothing.

Disguised as unanswered prayer. Hopelessness. Defeat.

The enemy is shouting in my mind: Where is this God that you believe in? He doesn't care about you! He doesn't even hear you! He is not going to answer your prayers. He has forsaken you! Does He even exist...? This God of yours. 

WHERE is He?!

Words, lies - flowing like tears.

Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again— my Savior and my God! (Psalms 42:11 NLT)

the breakthrough

Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.

- Proverbs 4:23 NLT

Since we got married over two years ago (my husband much longer), we have been living in circumstances that - to me - are extremely challenging. Someone else might consider it a minor hurdle. But - to me - because of my personality, my upbringing, my background, the main source of my income, the very things that I value in life - it is one of the worst positions imaginable.

And - I want to state upfront - I have grown more spiritually than I ever have before - because of it. I am beyond grateful for this.

But. It has been an emotional roller-coaster. Very trying at times. Hard on my marriage.

At times I could live with it, in the hope that it would soon change. At times I have been at the very limit of my patience, no end anywhere in sight. At times - I have wanted to walk away. More than anything.

Each heart knows its own bitterness and no one else can fully share its joy.
- Proverbs 14:10 NLT

I am a firm believer that the worst experience an individual has had in their lifetime, is the worst that they know. Until something else comes along to dwarf the last known benchmark. 

Do not belittle it. Whatever it is.

Do not tell them that there is someone else worse off. You're not helping. On the contrary - you are just making them feel worse. Ungrateful. Believe me, they know this. There always is - deserved or not. They also know that there's always someone else much better off.

You can not know another person's hopes and dreams. You can not know their fears and challenges. Their experience. If you have not walked in their shoes.