I haven't been writing for a while... The more time goes by, the easier it becomes not to. The less time I seem to have. The more excuses I find. And the easier it will be to stop altogether.
I have come to realize that if I don't get back into it soon, that is exactly what will happen.
The truth is that I have really been struggling lately. Hitting an all time low. Refusing to let me out of its debilitating grip. Squeezing. Suffocating.
Ironically, just before it happened, I got several messages urging me to never stop doing this. Ever. So, somewhere at the back of my mind, I know that I still have to do it. I feel a sense of responsibility to keep going, because this is not just about me or for me anymore - as much as I'd like to argue otherwise. And I have learned that the hardest, most painful things to write, are usually what means the most to others.
This year - one that I was hoping would be the year of breakthrough for us - has really (no sugar coating) been an exceptionally rough one for me. A series of crushing disappointments. On multiple levels of my life. Seemingly the more I pray, trust, hope... beg. The worse it's become. Until I have come to a point where I am unable to do it anymore. Doubting my faith. Questioning my God.
To some degree, I have actually been afraid to write. Of what I might write. Catapulting from a spiritual high to an extreme low, is in itself a disappointing blow to me.
I've come to a point where I don't want to go to church. Or do mentoring. Or pray. I don't want to talk about it anymore, because I am honestly sick to death of all the cliches: "God has something bigger, better planned for you. Everything will work out... in His time. There is a plan and a purpose with all of this"... I am tired of hearing how things are working out so perfectly for others - magically falling into place by some or other miracle. It all just seems so futile. Like some cruel, twisted joke. And even though I still read my Bible on most days, I find a disturbing feeling welling up inside of me. Silently, disdainfully scoffing at the message. Angry at God. Not believing a word. Because how do you believe when things just keep going from bad to worse?
I must say... I have been sufficiently chastised. From various angles. My husband. Friends. A sermon meant specifically for me. Because my attitude needs some serious revision. I need to see this as an opportunity to grow and learn. To quit feeling so damned sorry for myself. Making it all about me. Because it's not.
In the end it's all about faith.
Granted - It is not always easy to have faith. Especially if you are trusting God for something that just does not seem to happen. And doesn't look like it is going to...
Granted - It is not always easy to have faith. Especially if you are trusting God for something that just does not seem to happen. And doesn't look like it is going to...
(Encouraging word by Priscilla Shirer - a mighty woman of God. Incredibly inspiring when I need a boost of faith)
The Bible defines faith as: "the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen, giving us assurance about the things we cannot see." The Amplified version says that "faith is perceiving as real fact what is not revealed to the senses." (Hebrews 11:1)
2 Corinthians 5:7 urges us to live by believing and not seeing. The Amplified version elaborates by stating that we walk by faith (by conviction and belief, with trust and holy fervor), not by sight or appearance.
It is so easy to fall into the trap of letting your sight trick you. Reality. Circumstances - does not always make it easy to believe. Because it is in total contradiction to that which you hope for. Robbing you of your trust. Of your faith. But we should all have learned by now that appearances are not always what they seem.
Romans 5 says that not only does faith give us access to God's grace and favor, but it also places us in peace and right standing with God...
I don't know about you, but I would most definitely like to experience God's grace and favor in my life. Especially in trying times.
Matthew 17 (verses 14-20) tells the story of the disciples that were unable to heal a boy that was demon possessed. They couldn't understand why. Exasperated, Jesus said to them:
It is so easy to fall into the trap of letting your sight trick you. Reality. Circumstances - does not always make it easy to believe. Because it is in total contradiction to that which you hope for. Robbing you of your trust. Of your faith. But we should all have learned by now that appearances are not always what they seem.
Romans 5 says that not only does faith give us access to God's grace and favor, but it also places us in peace and right standing with God...
"Therefore, since we are justified (acquitted,
declared righteous, and given a right standing with God) through faith, let us
[grasp the fact that we] have [the peace of reconciliation to hold and to enjoy] peace with God
through our Lord Jesus Christ (the Messiah, the Anointed One). Through Him also we have
[our] access (entrance, introduction) by faith into this grace (state of God’s
favor) in which we [firmly and safely] stand. And let us rejoice and exult in our hope of
experiencing and enjoying the glory of God." (Romans 5:1-2 AMP)
I don't know about you, but I would most definitely like to experience God's grace and favor in my life. Especially in trying times.
Matthew 17 (verses 14-20) tells the story of the disciples that were unable to heal a boy that was demon possessed. They couldn't understand why. Exasperated, Jesus said to them:
“You don’t have enough faith, I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a
mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it
would move. Nothing would be impossible.”
Mark 11: 22-24 tells a similar story:
Then Jesus said to the disciples, “Have faith in God. I tell you the truth, you can say to this mountain, ‘May you be
lifted up and thrown into the sea,’ and it will happen. But you must really
believe it will happen and have no doubt in your heart. I tell you, you can pray for anything, and if you believe that you’ve received it, it will be yours.”
It seems to me that it is all a vicious cycle. Our faith is tested by our circumstances. Which - when it becomes too much for us to bear - causes us to get discouraged. To loose hope. To question and doubt... Faith and belief wanes. Taking us out of God's grace and favor. Causing us to fail the test. Resulting in a repeat of the lesson.
It seems to me that it is all a vicious cycle. Our faith is tested by our circumstances. Which - when it becomes too much for us to bear - causes us to get discouraged. To loose hope. To question and doubt... Faith and belief wanes. Taking us out of God's grace and favor. Causing us to fail the test. Resulting in a repeat of the lesson.
So it all comes down to faith. The kind that can move mountains. The kind that nothing is impossible to. A rock solid, unwavering belief that God is powerful and able. That God is faithful and willing.
